Don't Make These Easy Messaging Mistakes!

Have you hit a messaging rut? Having no luck getting phone numbers? Conversations simply petering out? Perhaps you’re experiencing the consequences of a common messaging mistake. Don’t worry, there are easy and simple fixes to get you back on track!

Here is a list of mistakes to avoid with online messaging.

Pouring hours into a first message. 

This is the result of good intentions run amok. Of course you want to impress someone, and you think, "What better way than to send a seriously impressive and detailed message?" Hold your horses, my friends. It’s not wrong to spend a little time on a first message. But if you find yourself writing, reading, rewriting, and rereading for a whole afternoon, you are overthinking it. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself–this is only the first message, and, with any luck, there’ll be plenty more to come! A good rule of thumb is to spend no more than fifteen minutes on the first message. This will keep you from overthinking and make it easier to hit send.

Messaging only one person at a time.

You’re moving at the pace of a snail using crutches. When you go to a singles mixer, do you make small talk with just one person the entire evening? No! You try to meet a bunch of different people and introduce yourself. After a few hours of mingling, you’ll know whether you hit it off with someone. It’s the same thing with messaging. It’s good to chat with a few people at once and see which ones lead to phone calls or dates. Playing the field is a good way to keep messaging in perspective: messaging is only talking to people, not committing to exclusivity.

Anything that sounds like “I’ve been praying a lot about us . . .”

As a general rule, most of us good Catholics are praying about our dating lives. This is good! What’s not good is mistaking a messaging conversation for actual dating. You are not dating someone when you’re just messaging them, and you are nowhere close to discerning marriage because you have no real relationship with the typist on the other side of the screen. Talking about your prayer pointing to (or not pointing to) someone online is putting far too much pressure on a simple conversation. Hold off on sharing this type of thing until after the first date!

Heart dumping.

Also known as oversharing! There is a time and place to get into the details of your romantic history or your hopes and dreams for the future. The time and place is NOT a messaging system online. Save that kind of vulnerability for after the first date. Stop typing and start backspacing if you find yourself:

• Talking about your last breakup
• Bemoaning your single life
• Pouring out emotional turmoil
• Detailing your divorce
• Dreaming about your future kids

Messaging for waaaaaaaaaay too long.

The point of messaging . . . is to move on from messaging. Messaging can’t replace talking in real-time or going on dates! Learn the art of asking for phone numbers, and make use of the CatholicMatch video chat feature. You’ll get a lot farther a lot faster if you don’t dawdle for months on the messaging system. Take a good connection into the real world! 

Not learning the formula for a really, really good first message. 

I’ll keep this one brief: read all about it here! (For ladies who aren’t ready to send a first message, learn how to attract notice to your profile!)

Messaging only people you “think you could marry.”

Spoiler alert: you aren’t window shopping for spouses here. Online dating is the place to meet people, not marry them. You can’t determine your future spouse from profiles or messages. (You can instead know your dating principles and standards, which is very useful.) Try to be open minded and give people a chance! Talk with people who aren’t your type, who aren’t your geographical neighbors, and who might not seem perfect right off the bat. You’ll be surprised who really hits it off with you.

Overreacting when a conversation ends.

It will inevitably happen. Somewhere along the line, an online dater is going to say she or he isn’t interested in talking anymore. This is totally normal, so don’t panic or despair. You should do your absolute best to end the conversation amicably. You never know if they’ll someday return to your conversation! So instead of despairing or getting angry, try saying these things at the end of the conversation: 

• Thank you for your time, I wish you the best!
• I hope you find someone as awesome as you!
• Cheers!

Ghosting people.

As much as I like my soapbox about low-pressure online messaging, there is a way to take it too far. Ghosting isn’t nice no matter how chill the conversation is. You wouldn’t just turn around and walk away from someone you met at church or a party, would you? You shouldn’t do it online, either. So if you know you’re no longer interested in a conversation, do the other dater a favor and let them know kindly.

Forgetting to ask questions!

A good conversation thrives on back-and-forth. Provide it! Ask questions in every message you send, and make them fun questions, too. Look at their profile to see what fun details you can pick out, or if you have some common interests, or if there’s something totally different you can ask them about. If you need ideas, check out these icebreaker questions, and don’t forget to keep these conversation starters for the first few dates! 

Truly, there are a few ways online messaging can go wrong, but there are thousands of ways it can go right! Focus on connecting with a bunch of cool people, keeping an open mind, and brushing up on your conversation skills. You never know when God will prompt the right person to show up on your message board!