If He Hasn't Asked You Out Yet, Ask Him This One Question

The Most Common Thing I Hear

On my podcast, The Crunch, we regularly answer questions from our listeners about dating and relationships. By far, the most common question we receive from women is: Does he like me and what do I do about it?

Everyone has been here before. Did that prolonged glance after Mass mean something? They laugh at my jokes more than other people, does that mean they like me? What about that one time they “accidentally” touched my arm!?

For men, the solution is easy. Simply ask her. (If only, right?) 

For women, this situation feels more complicated. You are torn between wanting him to make the first move and wanting answers. The question I usually hear is one you may have asked yourself: Should I make the first move?

The answer depends. Do you want to? Then sure, go ahead. The rules are made up, anyway. Most guys want to make the first move, but if he’s being a chicken then do it yourself. He might learn a valuable lesson. But if you don’t want to ask a guy out, do not fear. 

There is one other option.

The Magic Question

I have discovered what I can only describe as a magical question. This question, I kid you not, will work.

Every. Single. Time.

It will end your conundrum without transgressing the social boundary of “the guy must make the first move.” The question is:

“Hey, are you going to ask me out anytime soon or should I move on?”

Seriously, it works like magic. When my co-host said it for the first time, it felt like conversational poetry. When we give this advice to women who write in, they write back and tell us it worked. Every time. For some, they get the guy. For others, they get out of a dead-end “flirtation-ship.” Either way, that is a win.

Definitely don’t go in blind, though. First, let’s break down why this question works and then how to use it.

Why It Works

Your first instinct may be to edit the question to fit you better. By all means, you can change the sentence…but only the first word. Maybe “hey” isn’t your style. That’s fine. You can say “Look” or “Listen here, buster.” Maybe go international and hit him with an “¡Escúchame!” But leave the rest of the sentence alone.

The sentence begins with “Are you going to ask me out?” not “Do you like me?” The former question is more specific. “Do you like me” is far too open-ended. You can answer yes to that question and still do nothing for months. “Are you going to ask me out?” serves your purposes much better.

The addition of “anytime soon” is not arbitrary either. It takes some of the pressure off of him. It makes sure he knows you don’t want him to ask you out right that second, but you would expect it sometime in the near future. Most guys have never had a girl they like be this forward, so he will welcome any relief of pressure.

But don’t keep that pressure off for too long. The second clause, “or should I move on?” makes it so he does have to answer then and there. The first question by itself could get you a “yeah, sure!” and then more waiting. “Should I move on?” makes it clear you won’t be waiting around forever and he needs to step up.

This question has been meticulously crafted to fit your situation. You should only change it if you have a very good reason.

How to Use It

Now that you have this secret weapon, you may be tempted to use it any chance you get. I caution against this. You must use this power wisely. There are a few simple rules for asking this question.

First, don’t ask this question ironically. Don’t be flirty or playful or joking when you say it. In order to avoid the awkwardness, you may be tempted to make the conversation into a joke. Resist this! You need to be dead serious when you ask, otherwise, he may not pick up on the fact that you want an honest answer. The whole point of this question is that you want him to stop sending mixed signals. It isn’t fair to send mixed signals back.

Second, only ask this question if you actually want him to ask you out. If at any point you think, “I don’t think I want him to ask me out. I think I want to move on.” Do him a favor and just move on! Under normal circumstances, you have no obligation to say yes when a man asks you out. But if you ask him this question, he has every reason to think you like him and that you will say yes. So don’t ask it unless you want this to happen.

Third, be prepared for rejection. This question is bulletproof, but you are not. When you ask this question, you open yourself up to the possibility of rejection. If that happens, use the rejection as an opportunity for closure. In my opinion, a clear answer is better than mixed signals, even if that answer isn’t one you were hoping for.

What Are You Waiting For?

In conclusion, “Should I make the first move?” is the wrong question. The real question is “Should I ask the Magic Question?” and the answer is YES! 

I am not joking when I say this question is magic. But it isn’t a spell or anything. It’s just communication. A lot of heartbreak and confusion in relationships can be avoided if we simply communicated with one another.

Good communication consists of being honest about your feelings and knowing how to ask the right questions to make it easier for the other person to communicate their feelings. This question is an example of how to do that. Even when you’re in a relationship, questions like this one are a great way to make sure you are communicating.