The Antidote to Friends with Benefits

The other day, I heard something startling.

Colleges are completing their second terms and many students are heading home for the summer. A friend's daughter just returned after her freshman year and we had a chance to chat. When I asked her how her year went, she made a simple statement that caught my breath.

"It's hard to develop a friendship with a guy that might develop into something long lasting, when so many girls are willing to be a "friend with benefits."

All I could do was nod in agreement. She was absolutely correct. When women think that they have a right to, and that it is alright to, sexualize relationships, men expect sex to be free and without consequence. If women engage in sex and ask for little in return, then men can expect to engage in sex without having to invest time, money or interest. Put in economic terms, when the supply is high, the cost is low.

This leads to lasting consequences.

This phenomenon has been well documented by Dr. Mark Regnerus, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Texas at Austin and a senior fellow at the Austin Institute for the Study of Family and Culture. In his book entitled Cheap Sex, Dr. Regnerus describes the unintended consequences that have resulted from today's friends-with-benefits culture.

It concerns me that so many people have either forgotten about or don't realize that God created sex to be a beautiful and exceptional good with two purposes: to bond spouses together and to create new life. Within marriage, the intended beauty and goodness radiate. Outside of marriage, both tarnish and lose their value.

This is the most damning aspect of the friends-with-benefits culture. Sex, one of the most powerful and beautiful expressions of human love is losing its meaning and value. The friends-with-benefits philosophy has voided sex of its noble purposes and reduced it to a subhuman activity.

What is an antidote to the friends with benefits debacle?

Let me boldly suggest that it is the renewal of platonic friendship. For the record, a platonic friendship is based on a person's desire to will the good of another person. It is not based on sex. A platonic friendship focuses on cultivating invisible qualities that make us moral, ethical, and holy, rather than on visible characteristics that are fleeting. Platonic friendships call forth our capacity to be self-gift.

From my perspective, platonic friendships are filled with benefits: they provide a safe haven where honesty and truthfulness are accepted; they see boundaries as necessary; they expect us to be who we are created to be; they cultivate strong emotional bonds; they bring us closer to God.

In contrast, friendships-with-benefits are limiting: they accept only filtered honesty and partial truths (we don't want to offend, do we?); they reject limits or distinctions; they expect only one thing—just do what I want you to do.

It is ironic that platonic friendships have more benefits than the alternative claiming to be beneficial.

They are founded in truth. They allow you to be yourself. They provide a bedrock foundation that weathers disagreements, misunderstandings, and mutual sanctification.

There has to be a way for us to renew the goodness of platonic relationships in today's world. Here are a few ideas on how we might be able do that.

• Talk about platonic love and friendship with our youth and young adults. Make it a real option for them.
• Address the cultural acceptance of friends-with-benefits and the hook-up culture. Compare and contrast it with the development of platonic friendship.
• Watch the Economics of Sex.
• Tie the beauty of platonic friendship to the life of Christ. Read John 15:12-17.