You Said What?! 5 Tips to Prevent a Communication Breakdown
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Even when we love someone, we sometimes say the wrong thing. We are especially vulnerable when it comes to sensitive topics or personal issues. How we express ourselves can encourage further discussion…or start a fight.
Some people find it easy to express their innermost thoughts and feelings, while others are more reserved. Still others are rather impulsive, and say the first thing that pops into their heads—which often isn’t the most tactful. Whatever our temperament, there are some practical tools we can learn that will help us communicate better with our loved ones.
In our book The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse, we identify some key communication skills culled from experts in the field. Whether you want to discuss a sensitive topic without incurring defensiveness or anger, or simply want to increase positive feelings in your close relationships, we recommend the following:
1. Empathy
Empathy is a Christ-like putting yourself in another’s shoes, seeking to remove the beam from your own eye before you try to remove the speck from your partner’s. You listen and respond to your partner in a way that shows that you understand what he is saying and feeling. As Pope Benedict says, “We have to realize what an art it is to be able to listen attentively.” Empathy means I empty myself of my issues, concerns, goals, and responses, and focus totally on the other: on how he feels, his thoughts, or what he has to say (and why).
For example, instead of saying “You sure were a bump on the log all evening!”
(which is likely to make them feel defensive, and retort, “Well, at least I wasn’t dancing on the table, like you!”), you can try empathy:
“You look tired and worn out,” or “You seem upset. Do you want to talk about it?”
When you show empathy, you pave the way for a deeper understanding. In the words of Saint Francis, “Grant that I may not so much seek to be understood as to understand.”
2. Underlying positive
When we are angry or hurt, we tend to forget about the good things, and focus only on whatever is wrong. Sometimes we let the negative feelings build up or we stifle our complaints for so long, that negativity threatens to overwhelm us, and bad thoughts about our spouse or loved one override any positive ones. Instead, try to see your spouse or your relationship through Christ’s eyes: focus on the things we are grateful for, count our blessings, and acknowledge the good intentions of our partner. The antidote to negative override is to express our feelings in a responsible, loving way (sticking to the present, not blaming or making negative character judgments) and to express the underlying positive, a key communication skill developed by Dr. Bernard Guerney in his Relationship Enhancement program.
Instead of, “You are always late!”Try this: “I really respect how hard you are working and how difficult your boss can be sometimes. But I get embarrassed when we arrive at the party so late.” Instead of “You never spend time with me!” try “I know how stressful your job is and that you need to have some time to relax and unwind. But I miss you when you work all week and then are out playing golf on Saturdays.”
Expressing the underlying positive is not the same as flattering, buttering up,
or lying. It means honestly looking at what is good about the situation and
acknowledging the good intentions of your beloved.
As Saint Paul says, “Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In all circumstances give thanks” (1 Thes 5: 16-19).
3. Speak personally, be specific, stick to the present
What we want to avoid are generalizations (“you always” or “you never”) or patronizing, blaming and negative judgments on character (“You’re so lazy!” or “A good father would…” or “You’re just like your mother!”). These kinds of statements inevitably increase defensiveness and start fights, because they beg for a rebuttal: “I wasn’t late on Friday!” or “So now you’re saying I’m not a good father?”
Instead of “You’re so unreasonable!” try “I disagree with you on
that,” or “I have another idea that might work.”
Instead of “You never come home on time” try “It seems that you’ve come home late 3 times this week, and I really would like to have more family time.” Instead of “You are so lazy!” try “I am feeling overwhelmed with all the housework I do. Can you help with the dishes tonight?” Instead of “Nobody should act like that!” try “I really get upset when you act like that.”
4. Softening the start-up.
Nobody likes to be ambushed by a huge problem. Dr. John Gottman, a marriage research expert, suggests the approaches of softening the start-up and being open to influence. A softened start-up is a way to bring up a problem or to express an unhappy feeling in a neutral, less accusatory fashion. It increases the likelihood that your position will be heard.
If you want to ask your boss for a raise, you don’t blind-side him in the elevator demanding more money. Instead, you schedule a meeting.
The softened start up allows the other person to enter freely into the discussion at his own pace, even to choose when he will discuss it—thereby avoiding that feeling of being attacked and having to defend himself. A softened start up might include talking personally ( “I feel…”) and also might ask permission to discuss the topic, avoiding “ambushing” your partner. Asking permission to discuss a sensitive topic gives the other person freedom to discuss the topic at a better time, perhaps when emotions are not running so high.
5. Be open to influence.
Often, we fear that openness to another person’s ideas entails agreement. We don’t want to “encourage” a particular line of thought, so we remain impassive or even oppositional. You don’t have to agree with what your partner is saying, but instead of disparaging his idea or blocking his feelings, it is better to remain open to what he is saying or expressing. This way, you remain respectful and keep the lines of communication open.
For example, when you are tempted to scoff in disgust, “That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard!” try instead, “Let me hear your thoughts on that,” or “Tell me why this is so important to you.”
Good habits of communication require practice, self-control, and sometimes tempering our immediate natural reactions—all of which demands growth in virtue. Ultimately, true interpersonal communion comes through communion with Christ, who is the source and foundation of all truth. But we can foster an attitude of humility, charity and self-giving by practicing empathy, emphasizing the positive, and being open and receptive to our loved one’s deepest feelings and thoughts.
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