How the Hookup Culture Has Influenced Catholic Dating Without Us Realizing It

You've probably heard one of these lines before...

“I just really want to be intentional.”

“I don’t date anyone unless I think I can marry them.”

“I want to discern my vocation.”

“I believe in waiting until marriage.”

“God first.”

These are things Catholics say—slogans, if you will. You may see them on Instagram bios or maybe even hear them from the horse’s mouth. Naturally, these sayings make Catholic girls swoon and Catholic guys stutter. Truth be told, all of the ones listed above have made either me or one of my friends swoon. 

Unfortunately, all of the sayings listed above have also been accompanied by contrary behavior that ultimately resulted in failed relationships or most commonly, no relationships at all.

There is a trend developing in Catholic dating culture that is more analogous to the hookup culture than we may realize.

I have personally noticed it amongst the Catholic men I’ve dated, almost dated, and simply chatted with. I’ve also had countless conversations with women and men who have expressed similar experiences in the Catholic dating scene. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the same story repeated. It typically unfolds like this:

“He acts like he’s interested, but he never asks me out.”

“She said she loves me, but that she doesn’t want a relationship.”

“He texts me late at night, but bails when we make plans to hang out.”

“She held my hand, but she said she doesn’t like me.”

“He kissed me, but then he ghosted me.”

The formula follows the same, noncommittal, half-in-half-out, behavior. Naturally, all of the people involved were left feeling confused, lead on, used, and discarded—feelings most commonly associated with being burned by the hookup culture, not the Catholic dating scene.

Whether it’s intentionally flirting without any real interest, seeking out a late night ego boost via text, spending lots of one-on-one time with someone without the goal of dating, or kissing someone you’re not sure you actually like—these are actions that may seem minor, but at the root are self-serving and disregard the best interest of the other person.

Of course, the behavior described is not as extreme as one-night stands, casual sex, and everything else that goes with “dating” in the modern world. It is, however, behavior that similarly uses a person. It’s behavior that is on the fringe of hookup culture and pushes the limits to get affirmation from the opposite sex without technically going too far. It’s actions that are believed to be “safe” because they aren’t engaging in casual sex or hookups, but the core issue is same—objectification, just in varying degrees.

Let's look at the root of the problem.

So, why is this happening? Why are Catholic men and women acting in a way that partakes in the very culture they speak against?

I believe the answer is in how closely related the hookup culture is to the culture of instant gratification. Even as Catholics who regularly practice the sacraments, never miss Mass, and follow the teachings of the Church, we are accustomed to getting what we want, when we want it.

The accessibility of hopping on a dating app, the immediacy of chatting with someone via text, even the passing pleasure of scrolling through and liking pretty/handsome faces on Instagram—we’re used to having immediate access to another person and the little hit of dopamine we get from brief, flirtatious interactions that don’t require any responsibility.

We’re used to noncommittal behavior. In short, everything is easy and nothing is serious. Of course, these same elements have been present in the hookup culture from its conception.

We can overturn this trend...here's how.

While we’ve been rallying against the hookup culture, we’ve forgotten that we’re not immune to its influence. But, we can keep ourselves in check and continue to build our characters so we don’t use anyone we are (or are not) romantically involved with.

1.) Practice self-reflection

It’s easy to get caught up in a flirty conversation or get comfortable with spending a lot of one-on-one time with someone of the opposite sex. Before you know it, you may find yourself in a situation where the other person begins to have expectations you’re not interested in fulfilling when push comes to shove. Start practicing some self-reflection every day. Look back on your interactions, whether it’s via text, dm, phone call, or in person.

Did anything you say or do go too far? Would your words or actions be considered flirtatious, even if you think it’s a platonic scenario? Did you share intimate, personal information with someone of the opposite sex and create emotional bonds? How much time one-on-one time did you seek out with them? Are you going out of your way to frequently message, send GIFs, or text throughout the day?

2.) Question your motives

After you’ve reflected on your words and actions, be honest with yourself and question why you’re behaving that way. You may be subconsciously acting out because of something bothering you internally. Sometimes we seek affirmation from members of the opposite sex when we’re feeling insecure or lonely.

Do you only reach out to this person when you’re feeling down about yourself? Do you know that they like you and you hang out just to feel that confidence boost? Are you nervous about never meeting someone you really like, so you’re putting this person on the back burner? Are you keeping tabs on them so they don’t move on from you? Are you feeling unfulfilled in your personal or spiritual life, and seeking to fill the void by distracting yourself with flirting or creating emotional bonds?

3.) Put yourself in their shoes

Imagine how your behavior could be perceived by the other person. Remember that there are two people involved, and that while you may not think it’s a serious situation, the other person may be confused or hurting from your actions. If you’re not sure how you feel about them or if you definitely don’t like them, you’ll be doing yourself and the other person a favor by walking away. Everyone deserves to be with someone who is sure of them.

4.) Take responsibility

If you realize you’re using another person, take responsibility. If you caught yourself in the beginning, start backing off and limiting time spent interacting with that person. If you’re entrenched in a confusing not-so-platonic friendship or even in the midst of a full-on relationship, have a conversation with them.

Don’t ghost or disappear from their lives without an explanation. Don’t make them have to confront you. Just sit down and have an honest conversation. Sincerely apologize for your actions. If you don’t have equal feelings for this person, it’s best to end things. Sometimes this means ending the relationship entirely or changing the way you interact while being cautious whenever you communicate with them.