You Hate Their Date. Should You Tell Your Friend?

A few months back, a friend from Bible study called me up, so excited for me to meet her new boyfriend. Recently divorced from a rough marriage, she had enthusiastically rekindled a relationship with an old college flame. She was smitten, but I had my doubts.

Sure enough, when I met the new guy, something didn’t sit right with me. He was nice, and they both seemed pretty high on life, but there was something in his body language that made me feel uncomfortable. Reflecting on it later, I figured it out. There was a lack of respect for boundaries. The way he related to her physically—arm around her at all times, never letting her out of sight, seemed controlling. But what to say? “I think your date is a jerk because he has his arm around you?”

I was torn because it didn't seem right to me, but she also hadn't asked my opinion.

My friend’s former husband was verbally abusive, and to me, getting involved with this new guy seemed too fast too soon. I wanted to blurt out that she was rushing into a new relationship before she had fully unpacked what happened with the last one. I worried that she was repeating the same pattern, but I didn’t feel like I had license to call her out.

We were Bible study friends, but not that close. It was the first time I’d seen her happy in a couple years. And besides, she wasn’t asking me for my opinion. She called me up eager to share in her newfound hope.

I decided to keep my mouth shut, and prayed it was the right decision. I found out a few weeks later there was trouble in paradise. Things had cooled off significantly, and my friend was now coming to realize that maybe she needed to take stock of her life. She entered into counseling, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Many of us find ourselves in a position of not liking someone a friend is dating.

At some point or another, we find ourselves in an uncomfortable position with friends and family when they are dating people whom we don’t necessarily like. Sometimes, this question of whether to speak up weighs on our conscience.

If you are considering what or how much to say, here are a few things to consider.

1. Ask yourself: how close are you?

We’ve all been on the receiving end of unwanted opinions from strangers and acquaintances at some time or another. It’s universally annoying.

Close friends and family have the earned trust and leeway to blurt out, “What the heck are you thinking?!” from time to time, but those same words would be shockingly rude when coming from anyone who isn’t part of your inner circle. Before offering your own insights, decide if your relationship is close enough to warrant input.

2. Check your motives.

Before saying anything, unpack what it is specifically that bothers you about this person. How serious is it? Is it a superficial annoying flaw, such as a weird laugh, or the way they chew?

If it’s their quirks that put you off, chances are you need to take it to Jesus instead of your friend. If it’s a more serious concern, such as an insensitive put-down or a racist comment, chances are, you need to take it up directly with the date, not your friend. If you are party to an untoward comment, address your friend’s date directly, and explain why those comments don’t sit well with you. Avoid the passive-aggressive stance of complaining about it to your friend.

3. Know when to zip it.

Here’s some hard truth: more often than not, your opinion of this person does not matter to anyone but yourself. Unless you have a serious concern for the safety of your friend, it is wise to keep unsolicited opinions to yourself.

4. Know when to speak up.

If you suspect your friend is in any form of physical or psychological danger, speak up. If you have personally witnessed verbal or physical abuse in the relationship, speak up.

However, don’t confront your friend alone. Due to the complex nature of domestic violence, some survivors of abuse are not in a place to hear your concerns or act on them. If you suspect your friend is in danger, first seek support and counsel from trauma counselors, social workers, and other trained professionals. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a good place to start: 1-800-799-7233