"Is She The One?" Is The Wrong Question

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Does God, in His divine plan, have someone He has chosen for me?

It certainly sounds romantic—your soul mate is out there, who will complement you in every way. This elusive man or woman will make all your dreams come true and of course if it is ordained by God, how can the relationship go wrong? Right?

I have come to believe that this concept of "the one" is over-romanticized in our secular culture and in the case of Catholic Christians, it is sometimes over-spiritualized. As Catholics, it is important that we recognize how God ‘generally’ interacts with us. God cares for us and wants to be intimately involved in our lives and in our decisions because He cares about our well-being. God’s Word instructs us to acknowledge Him in all our ways and promises that as we do so, He will direct our path.

So when it comes to these BIG decisions we make—choosing a vocation, finding a spouse, planning a career move, moving to another part of the country for a job—how do we include God in our decisions and does He have a ‘specific’ course for us to follow?

I’ll address the dating issue since that is relevant to this site. When we say we are seeking the partner that God has for us, what does that really mean? Does God choose a specific person for us and then move us around like chess pieces so that we are brought into each other’s lives to live happily ever after? Does He whisper into our ears “THIS is the one I have chosen for you from all eternity”? Or does He outline certain principles in Scripture that we can use to find a compatible partner who will help us fulfill His design for marriage and help us get to heaven?

I believe it’s the latter.

How God enters our discernment

In looking for a spouse, we find we are attracted by certain qualities—by physical looks, by their closeness to God, by their wisdom…all perfectly natural. After all, we are tripartite beings (body, soul and spirit) as a recent video on CMI pointed out. We discern with mind, body and spirit. So, in addition to the natural things that attract us, as part of our discerning for a spouse, we invite God into the process, asking Him to guide us and help us to make a wise choice.

We ask him to help us to be open to advice from our families and friends who know us so well and who can help us determine if this potential spouse is compatible and would help us grow closer to God. We ask God to illumine our minds so we can understand what this person is seeking in a marriage and whether we can bring them joy and happiness. As part of our discernment, we read books and seek to develop a better understanding of ourselves.

You won't get a stone if you ask for bread

We can trust that our Heavenly Father will answer us when we seek His help in discerning a spouse and will help us make a wise choice. Remember, God's word asks rhetorically, “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?”

Recently I woke up with the impression that God was saying to me, “Put aside your long lists of what you want in a woman and start thinking instead of the kind of woman who can receive what you have to offer to make her happy.” I don’t think He’s saying to me that my needs are not important. I think He’s instead preparing me to seek the happiness of the other first. And so my discernment goes on. New lessons to learn every day.

9 steps to help us discern daily

I think it will be helpful to you, gentle reader, if I outlined some practical steps to incorporate into your discernment process.

1. When you pray, invite God into the process. Ask Him to guide your steps and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom

2. Know yourself—read books that will help you discover the real you, which is sometimes hidden under the masks we’ve put on over the years. Take the personality test on CM. I found it to be pretty accurate.

3. There is no ‘single’ person out there for us. There are many ‘potential’ matches. Part of our discernment involves isolating the character traits that are important for us in a partner—God-fearing, not afraid of intimacy, chaste, honors his/her parents, humility, quick to forgive and so on.

4. Think about some practical considerations—Can we negotiate differences? Do we have common interests?

5. Go in with your eyes open. When we give our hearts to someone, we often ignore things that are obvious to the observant outsider—family issues, financial issues, immaturity, radically different goals, etc.

6. Take your time getting to know your potential spouse. It’s easy to put your best foot forward to impress someone initially but it’s hard to maintain that act over a longer period of time.

7. Love is a verb. Our society often confuses love with feelings or lust. I watched an Indian movie (Bride & Prejudice) where the married couple was asked how they agreed to an arranged marriage when they did not love each other initially. The husband answered that they “learned to love each other” after they got married and the feelings for each other automatically followed. I was really impressed by that answer. A secular website says a common mistake people make is “waiting for love” and refusing to let love happen. Keep that in mind as you discern. Their advice,“Find someone you like, who treats you how you would want to be treated, who is worthy of being in a relationship, and work on that friendship to see if love will grow.”

8. Seek out the advice of your parents and family. They have gone through the school of hard knocks and can offer wisdom to us that is invaluable. Seek the advice of couples you know that have good marriages.

9. Finally listen to your heart. There is a peace that comes from knowing that you are in God’s will. You don’t feel rushed to make a decision. Your potential partner seeks to please God, as do you. As a hymn from my childhood paraphrased, “Seek first the kingdom of heaven and all the rest will fall in line.”

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