Date Like the One to Find the One

There is something more important than finding "the one."

Chances are if you’re reading this you’re looking for “the one.” You know the one I’m referring to: that person who God knew before He formed them in the womb and knew the plans He had for them…even marrying you! So it’s pretty darned important to know who that is right?

But there’s something even more important than knowing who the one is. Dating like you are the one for someone else matters more.

Once, I thought that I was the "the one"...but she didn't.

I fell prey to the romanticized vision of finding the one in high school and I was pretty sure I had found her. She was beautiful, loyal, and down-to-earth. She wasn’t perfect to be sure, but I was sure she was perfect for me. I had always wanted to date her, but the timing was never right.

So you can imagine my elation when we reconnected in college after I stumbled across a dating profile that sounded just like her…but she had just started dating someone again. And now they’re married.

The thing is…I had multiple opportunities to date her between first crush and last disappointment. But at the time I wasn’t dating like I was the one.

It’s difficult to not get caught up in the clouds when society gives us little helpful guidance in living out our vocations. But God wants so much more for us than to just fulfill our passions. He wants us to be the one that will lead our future spouse closer to Him.

Becoming "the one" means avoiding the Netflix and Chill culture.

What does this mean for a single Catholic? It means saying yes to a God-centered sexuality: a loving, committed relationship between man and woman in marriage which is open to life. There are a lot of nuanced lessons God wants us to learn to prepare for marriage. And we simply won’t be able to learn them if we're living in the “Netflix and chill” culture. Not to mention, you can’t enter the kingdom of God in sexual immorality.

The “Netflix and chill” culture is bad not just in terms of sexual immorality, but because it places us in an ambiguous grey zone where neither party is really sure if it’s a relationship or not. It dilutes dating into a self-gratifying endeavor just to have our emotional needs met. But dating like the one means dating intentionally, namely—that it’s geared towards marriage.

Dating to find the one means you have to date intentionally.

Here are a few questions to ask:

Will this person bring me closer to God? That means asking yourself if your dating interest shares your faith and values. It’s not to say that you cannot marry someone who isn’t Catholic or even a believer, but there are some serious considerations when dating intentionally. (CCC 1633)

Are we compatible? Is this someone who “clicks” with you? That doesn’t mean you share all the same interests and have the same type of friends, but it should be someone who compliments you. This means taking the time getting to know them.

Are we attracted to one another? This one’s pretty straightforward—you’re either attracted or you’re not. But don’t hang your hat on attraction. This doesn’t necessarily happen immediately.

Is the timing right? This can be a tough one. The person you are dating or trying to date may have every other box checked, but for whatever reason doesn’t want to date you right now. Don’t force it and respectfully move on.

How you treat someone while dating matters more than you think.

Let’s be honest. Dating is tough. There are a thousand distractions and temptations bombarding us and pressuring us to give in to modernism. Then there are all the nuances of timing, compatibility, lessons to learn, emotions to work out, etc. Not to mention we all have to juggle our responsibilities while keeping our hearts close to God in discernment…whew!

But the one thing that will make your dating experiences positive for both you and those you date is giving respect. They are God’s creation, with all the struggles and strengths and quirks like the rest of us. How we treat others is the difference between a hard lesson learned and a good lesson learned.

There’s a few principles you can follow to always show respect:

Be real. If this is really the person God intended for you to marry, then the weight’s off your shoulders. You don’t need to “play the game” or worry about every little thing you say or do.

Communicate! If you like someone or would like to go on a date, tell them! If you’ve been going on dates for a couple months, it’s perfectly ok to have the “So…what are we?” conversation.

Be generous. They’re on this struggle bus too. They have bad days. They won’t always say or do the right thing. Even if they appear to be perfect and the stars are falling from heaven, just wait...

Always give closure. Date long enough and chances are you’ve been burned before and have done your fair share of breaking hearts too. It can get exhausting. You may have discerned that the relationship ultimately can’t go any further. Always give them closure and be honest with where you’re coming from.

Dating isn’t just to find the one. Dating is a “dance” that trains you to be a more competent partner. Living out a vocation to marriage doesn’t start at “I do.” It starts right now! When we date like we are the one, we realize it’s much more important than trying to find the one.