Why Catholics Aren’t Going out on Dates

How many dates do you go on monthly?

I mean, real, actual dates—not just “hanging out” or “talking” with a member of the opposite sex. For most young adult Catholics, the number is usually pretty low or flat out non-existent. But why is this?

Well, dating as a Catholic is intense. “Date for marriage” is a slogan that’s been drilled into our brains since our youth group and homeschool prom days. The word “dating intentionally” is another catch phrase we learned in college to discourage hookups. Both of these approaches helped us to view relationships with seriousness, but what if it also set ourselves up for disaster when it comes to dating? 

“Did you see them sit next to each other at Mass? They’re definitely gonna get married.”

“They went out on a date last Friday...I wonder if he’ll propose by senior year.”

“If we start dating now, we’ll be engaged in 9 months.” 

If you’ve gone to a Catholic college or have a group of Catholic friends, you’re probably familiar with the 0 to 100 mentality that comes with dating in the Catholic world. Dating is never just dating, it’s thinking “have I found my spouse?!” whenever someone shows interest in you. 

We tend to overthink and over-analyze dating. This seriousness puts on a certain amount of pressure and actually deters many of us from pursuing or letting ourselves be pursued. There’s an underlying, subconscious belief that one date somehow communicates extreme interest or even commitment. Why? Because we’re “dating for marriage!” 

Catholic dating in a hookup culture world

So are we wrong to date for marriage? Should we just hang out with potential love interests and never label it as a date? No and no. Somewhere between the years of 1950 and 2020, our definition of “casual dating” became skewed. 

The hookup culture took “casual” to a whole other level, resulting in the objectification, use, and disposal of human beings via casual sex. To counter this assault on marriage and love, Catholics have grown to be cautious and clear about their intentions to pursue healthy, serious relationships. As a result, dates became a serious matter—we’re not messing around or just looking for a “good time.” 

But prior to the hookup culture, young adults actually dated very casually. It was considered normal to go out on dates with different people every weekend. Now, we may have an adverse reaction to that, “wow, a different guy every weekend?” But the dates were just that—dates.

Then vs. now... what has changed?

In the article, “Teenage Dating In the 1950s”, it explains that millions of teenagers in the 1950's went on one or more dates per week and had a long process before things got serious: “The dating process usually is initiated by going out on double-dates, after double dating, you would naturally move onto single dating. And should the relationship move on, it would move into the ubiquitous ‘going steady’.” 

Men had to call women, ask them out, and pick them up to go to dinner, to the movies, or to a dance. Dating was simultaneously formal and casual. They didn’t ambiguously “hang out” before deciding to be exclusive, but they also didn’t feel the pressure of marriage on the very first date. 

There was a progress from casual to serious as the couple discerned the relationship over time. Sounds super normal and healthy right? So why don’t we Catholics still do this? Why has dating become this intense, emotionally draining experience that we dread or flat out avoid? 

1. A lack of emotional boundaries: Functioning on a 0 to 100 mentality is the culprit of many failed relationships (or no relationships at all.) When we let our minds go to a place of prematurely imagining a future with someone we just met, it’s a sign of a lack of emotional boundaries within ourselves. It’s exhausting and wreaks havoc on our mental well-being because every male/female encounter is a huge deal. 

Usually, a lack of emotional boundaries causes us to project our hopes and assumptions onto someone we barely even know. This leads to unfair expectations on the other person and on the relationship before it can even begin. Instead of encountering them as a person first and foremost, we encounter them as a potential spouse. Instead of seeing the other person as someone who is willed for their own sake, we see them for who they can be for us.

2. Pressure to get married ASAP: Catholic culture encourages and supports young marriages. We all have friends who got married immediately after college. While they’re on their fifth child, we’re just trying to meet someone period. If you’re in your late twenties and not married, people start asking, “So are you considering religious life or what?” Our entire twenties can feel like a sand timer that's running out of time on our vocation.

When we start approaching dating with a “this is my last chance” mentality, we sabotage our own efforts because we’re not in a good place mentally. We invest in relationships with the wrong people for the wrong reasons, resulting in bad breakups and unnecessary pain for both parties. This approach to dating is draining—sometimes we need months to recover before being open to dating again.

The answer: date like your grandparents.

Our grandparents had dating figured out. “Formal” and “casual” may seem entirely opposed to one another, but when it comes to first, second, or third dates—they go hand in hand. Dates should be formal in the sense that it is clearly a date (no hanging out), but casual in the sense that you’re not agreeing to anything more than that date. 

As a Catholic, you can date with marriage in mind without assuming every person you date is your future spouse. This will allow you to go out on more pressure-free dates, helping you to be more active in your dating life—getting you closer to finding the person you do want to marry. 

This approach frees us from pressure and anxiety and prevents us from going from 0 to 100 whenever we go out with someone new. In the same token, it helps us to really determine whether we’re actually compatible with our date and if we’d like to go out again. 

So, if someone asks you out or you want to ask someone out, don’t overthink it. Just go. A date is just a date—until it’s not.