A Letter to Those Who Haven't Been on a Date

Dear Reader,

I feel like I should put “Dear Lonely Reader” instead. Chances are, you clicked on this article because you haven’t been on a date. Maybe in months, maybe in years . . . or maybe ever. And you feel like that one Christmas ornament your parents keep even though it doesn’t match anything else on the tree!

You feel unlovable, alone, and bleak. You’ve been asked to wait beyond your patience. You’ve been dragged into this role of loneliness no matter what you do to escape. You’re worn out, hopeless, or ready to give up. Perhaps you gave up years ago, but that didn’t seem to change anything anyway.

I want you to know something. Something very important. 

This says nothing about you.

Read that again: this says nothing about you.

No matter how long you wait, how many dates you go on, or how alone you’ve been or will be, this doesn’t say anything about how wonderful you are. A timeline is simply that: a time and a line, nothing we can quantify your worth by. We’re all on God’s timeline anyway, which is often different from our own.

Friends with good intentions may tell you to “just wait” and “it only takes one.” They are probably coming from their own story, their own romance, and assume God has something similar in store for you. He doesn’t. That’s the point.

I know some couples who got married during college. I know others who went through decades of bad relationships before finding the right person. Others continue to wait, holding out for high standards but feeling they should just settle already. Still others have never even been on a date.

You know everyone’s story is different. You know each relationship and marriage is unique and unrepeatable. But you also have to remember that not every story is filled with action, plot twists, or a Mr. Darcy thrown into the mix.

Some love stories are diaries—just one person, waiting and seeking, and continually coming back to just themselves and God. Dejected perhaps, but they come back to God. And maybe that’s what He wants you to do right now. After all, He is the author of love, and who better to seek out for love than Him?

Above all, don't take it personally.

No matter what your story looks like, or will continue to look like, it doesn’t change anything about you personally. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, or lazy, or unlovable. All it means is that your story doesn’t match your friends’. It may feel like you just don’t get a story, but trust the One who made you: you do. You just can’t read the whole thing yet. 

You know your inherent worth. You’ve been told and told that you are a child of God, and He has great things for you. Maybe one of those great things is to accept and endure the challenge of loneliness, the challenge of a romance so unlike others that you can’t even see it yet. The task of enduring the unknown.

But remember, you are already loved and admired. If only you could see what others see. I guarantee there are people out there, watching you, wondering how to find those blessings you’ve been given by walking only with God for so long. More importantly, I hope you can see what God sees. His own creation, whole in itself, looking to be loved and accepted.

You might despair, but God hasn’t given up on you, or your romantic life. He only gives you things that bring you closer to Him. Maybe this long, blank space is one of those things, even if you can’t imagine how. I’m not promising God is bringing your future spouse just around the bend, or that you just have to wait.

But that actually is a possibility. No matter how alone you think you will be in the future, remember it’s equally likely you won’t be alone. We as humans can never know our future, not even by one day. Keep that in mind next time you slide into despair—not any one of us can know what, or who, is coming next. But God does; in fact, He’s the one arranging it. 

Yes, you might feel like a Christmas ornament that doesn’t match anything on the tree.

But that doesn’t mean you’re not supposed to be on the tree at all. It also doesn’t mean you’re the only odd ornament in the entire world. There are others like you out there, people who have gone through just as much loneliness for just as long. (And they’re not all saints and martyrs from the thirteenth century. These people are here and now, too.)

Maybe this Christmas, try settling into whatever role God has placed you right now. Maybe that’s single this year. Maybe that’s the twentieth single year in a row. It doesn’t matter. God put you here for a reason, even though you might not know the reason in this lifetime.

That’s okay.

Start finding things to enjoy in the here and now, things you can do all by yourself. Bake that new dessert. Go through some old photo albums. Take a drive through your town to see the Christmas lights. Enjoy decorating the tree. Sing along to carols. Take the initiative and reach out to your family, your friends, your church group.

You are loved and worthy just as you are. And no matter how long you’ve been alone, you still can’t predict what your future will bring. God has promised it will be good. I don’t know what good will look like for you, but He does. Trust him in this season, no matter how long it lasts.