Where Do Catholic Singles' Groups Go Wrong?

My parish is trying to launch (or, rather, "re-launch") a singles group. We had a group for a while, then it died, and now new organizers have stepped up to the plate and are struggling to resurrect it.

It all has me thinking about how difficult parish groups for singles can be.

They're difficult to start, for starters. Singles tend to sit in the back of the church. We're the last to arrive and the first to leave. We often "church-hop" and rarely register in a parish. How, then, is a parish supposed to reach out to us? Bulletin announcements rarely get our attention.  And even if we do read the bulletin, how inclined are we to actually show up at a parish singles' event? "I'm not going to know anybody" we think, or "What if it's lame?"

It can be tough for single people to showing up a random meetings and events by themselves. Meetings aren't terribly difficult. They're held in a defined place, and once you arrive you get to sit down and listen to the proceedings. But social events are a different story. I can't tell you how many singles' happy hours I have attended, only to walk around the bar a couple of times and then turn around and head home because I couldn't for the life of me figure out which group of people I was supposed to be meeting.

Herding cats

Getting the single Catholics of a parish together can be a little bit like herding cats.

What, then, happens once they're together? What does a parish singles' group look like? The stereotype is that it looks like the church basement equivalent of a singles' bar. People are there to meet attractive members of the opposite sex. They're looking to pair off so they can go join the families upstairs in the Big Church. Or something like that.

That doesn't lead to a particularly cohesive group. Couples pair off and leave. Other spouse-seekers show up once, scan the crowd, and never return again because they didn't see any potential candidates. Then, the next week, different spouse-seekers show up to give the group the once over and then disappear.

I've always said that if you could corral all of the people who attended a singles' group one time, and put them all in a room together, you'd get a very different group.

But, the way the system works now, what's left is often a small group of people who don't find each other particularly attractive.

And what do these people do? Frequently, they socialize. They go to bars. They host Super Bowl parties. Which is fine, really. Single Catholics are often hungry for the companionship of other single Catholics, and parish singles' groups offer that. But I have found that the more that these groups rely on social activities, the less cohesive they are and the sooner they implode. The problem is that social groups are only attractive as long as they're fun. And it's tough to sustain "fun" with so much amusing competition in the world. Members are likely to wander off as soon as more entertaining options cross their paths.

Here's the problem as I see it.

Catholic singles are craving more than fun.

They're craving substance.

They're craving spirituality.

They're craving Christ.

And they don't know where to turn.

I've seen successful parish singles' groups all over the country. And every one I've seen shares one common trait—they all offer singles something more substantial than just a social life. They're based in spirituality. They pray together. They reach out into the community to share the love of Christ.

They're social, to be sure. That happens naturally. After an evening of prayer or a day of building houses for the homeless, it's natural to get together for dinner or a drink. Friendships develop—friendships based on shared values and mutual prayer.  And yes, people even fall in love and get married. But I suspect their friendships with others in the group tend to last even when they're no longer single, because those friendships were built on something more substantial than sharing a martini at happy hour.

Singles tend to be isolated in parishes. And, as I've said before, I don't think the answer to that isolation is to be found solely in singles' groups. Single Catholics need to be incorporated into the life of the parish. That being said, I do believe there is in important place in parish life for singles' groups. I think there is a spirituality that is unique to singles, and there is great benefit to bringing them together to pray and to explore that spirituality.

That will help hold a singles' group together.