Why the Catholic Church Doesn’t Have “Rules” for Dating

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Whether you’re a Catholic who is new to dating or someone who’s dated before but is new to Catholicism, one of the most common questions is “What are the Catholic dating rules?”

Well, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, there are no “rules” for dating as a Catholic. The good news is, that’s okay. There are many good reasons why the Catholic Church doesn’t have rules for dating. But, here are three:

1) Dating looks different everywhere.

It’s easy to forget how big the Catholic Church is. It stretches to every corner of the world and spans 21 centuries. Thousands of cultures have become Catholic during this time and they take their cultural practices with them. Every culture deals with marriage and the period leading up to marriage (dating) differently.

It wouldn’t make sense for the Catholic Church to mandate a specific way for every couple in every culture to date (i.e. no kissing, the man has to ask out the woman, etc.) because different cultures work differently. Dating in an African village looks different than dating in an American college. On that note, dating is different at different American colleges.

Each of these communities are free to make and revise their own, unwritten rules for dating. One community can decide the man has to ask out the woman, another can decide the opposite. Both are valid.

This freedom isn’t absolute, of course. There are divine and natural laws God instituted to guard the institution of marriage. We aren’t allowed to break those rules simply because they are part of our culture. However, these divine and natural laws aren’t about dating. They’re about marriage.

2) The rules for dating are basically the rules for marriage.

When God made man and woman, He defined what marriage is. The two become one flesh. Christ clarified in Matthew’s gospel that marriage is until death. Marriage is a divinely instituted thing. Dating is not divinely instituted, but it is the way our culture has decided we prepare for marriage. This means the rules for dating are basically the same as the rules for marriage.

This leads to a series of “thou shalt nots.” Since you are not married to your boyfriend, you are not one flesh, so you cannot have sex. Since God made parts of your body designed for sex, you can’t use them for any other purpose. And so on.

Similarly, since dating is a discernment of marriage and you can’t be married to two people, you can’t seriously discern marriage with two people at the same time. Different cultures decide what is serious (i.e. “going steady” or “in a relationship”) and what is not (i.e. “talking”).

The rules for dating are also just the rules for Christian living: “Love one another as I have loved you.”

3) The Church sets boundaries, not procedures.

A boundary is “do X” or “don’t do Y.” A procedure is more specific, “do A then B then C then D.” There’s a reason the Church says “Go to Mass on Sunday” not “Go to Mass at 10:30 AM on Sunday at St. Mary’s and wear a blue dress.” We’re supposed to have freedom in how we live God’s law.

When it comes to moral living, the Church prefers to set boundaries, not make procedures. The Church defines marriage as a sacrament and sets rules around what makes a marriage valid or invalid. It’s up to us to decide how to attain that ideal.

It would be nice if the Church laid out a whole plan for us, “Hold hands on the third date, kiss after six months, propose on the ninth month, and get married at 18 months.” But there’s no freedom in that. God gave us intellect and conscience. He wants us to use them.

Our conscience is the thing we use to apply God’s commandments to particular situations. You are supposed to honor your mother. Our conscience is supposed to figure out how to do that. Our culture helps us form our conscience. In keeping with the “honor your mother” example, our culture celebrates Mother’s Day. Still, you need to use your conscience to figure out how to best honor your mother on Mother’s Day.

It’s the same with dating. Our different cultures and communities have different ways of living out “Do not commit adultery” and “Do not covet your neighbor’s wife.” (Whether in the flesh or in your heart).

A just society has good standards for how it keeps those commandments. For example, one society might consider it abhorrent for a man to be alone with a woman he is not dating/married to. It is up to a person’s conscience to deal with that cultural norm. When to follow it (i.e. don’t be alone at a romantic restaurant) and when to break it (i.e. this woman needs my help.)

Dating is not a big deal...

The biggest reason why the Church doesn’t have rules for dating is that dating is not a big deal. At least, it is not as big a deal as most people think. Since dating leads to marriage, some people elevate rules for dating to the same level as rules for marriage. But dating is not marriage.

If a woman breaks a rule about marriage, that’s really bad. If a woman breaks a “rule” about dating and asks a man out on a date, that is less bad.

Part of the virtue of Prudence is knowing when to care about the rules and when to ease off the rules. Marriage is definitely an instance to care about the rules. Dating, not so much. Most rules about dating are cultural. This doesn’t mean they are arbitrary or that you can ignore them, but it does mean you won’t go to Hell for not following them.

I hope this article gives you the peace to date with a little more freedom. If you feel afraid to date without rules, please take that to prayer. God made rules for man, not man for rules.

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