Can Your Long-Distance Relationship Go the Distance?

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So you're dating someone long-distance...

Long-distance romances can be tough. You have all the same difficulties as a normal relationship, and on top of that, the intimidating geography throws in obstacles all its own. Let’s cover a few common challenges that crop up only when you’re romancing across the miles.

How do you take a long-distance relationship from casual dating into more serious discernment?

With normal relationships, this is a matter of spending time together regularly every week or two. This isn’t an option for long-distance couples. What are you to do? There are the obvious conversations you should have, of course. You should also tack on discussions about your origins and expectations for future living, like your locations, housing, finances, and cultures. Especially in international romances, these things might not be as alike as you assume!

One extremely helpful thing is to spend an extended amount of “normal” time together. Often, long-distance weekend visits become mini-vacations filled with fun and fancy. On top of these, try to visit in longer spells of a few weeks or months, and plan to live that time “normally.” Maybe one of you can take an internship in the other’s location. Perhaps one of you can take two weeks of PTO and stay nearby while you maintain your normal schedule. Even better, perhaps one of you can work remotely and move near your sweetheart for a couple of months. Time together with work schedules, daily chores, and everyday life will tell you a lot more about your relationship than sporadic weekend dates.

How do you navigate social changes when your partner lives far away?

It’s no secret that when you get into a relationship, it shifts your social dynamics. When you live near your sweetheart, you have more natural ways to be involved in each other’s social lives. But in long-distance, you don’t have the option to invite your new boyfriend over for Sunday dinners with your parents, or to bring your new girlfriend to a regular movie night with your friend group. I won’t lie, this is simply one of the sacrifices of long-distance romances. You simply won’t have the social involvement you might like, and you pretty much have to navigate changing social dynamics by yourself. Rest assured, your significant other will probably be going through the same thing at the same time!

For most family and friends, your best bet is to talk about your relationship when someone asks. Obviously, you can give them a ten-minute story of your romance and share a picture so they have a face to go with the name. But keep it short and sweet! Other people who want to know more will ask, and those who are not interested will not.

Do not call or text your date during friend or family events, unless invited to by the host. Do be open and honest when you are asked about your faraway date. If you both want video chat introductions for people like parents or a best friend, make sure you create a time where everyone is forewarned and comfortable—don’t spring a video chat on anybody! And most of all, try not to lament over the empty seat beside you. It is simply part and parcel of distance. 

What are fun ways to connect when you’re miles and time zones apart?

Everyone knows video chat and phone calls are as close to real-time as we can get, so I won’t write about the importance of regularly connecting that way. And you probably want to mix things up a bit! I personally think old-fashioned snail mail should never have gone out of fashion. When we were dating, my husband and I used to send all sorts of letters through the mail. Having some concrete, physical items arrive occasionally helped our relationship seem more real and concrete.

You can also do book studies together and swap notes over email. Do a craft at the same time and share pictures/videos of the process. Try the same recipe on the same night. Follow the same show or movies, and text your impressions as you see them. Be creative!

A word of warning: texting is great to share a quick connection, but it is not good for communication. Texting is for quick notes, photo sharing, or a reminder you love someone. But don’t mistake that as real conversation. Relying too heavily on texting can give you a false sense of connection, where the real communication should be happening in person or on the phone.

How do you know if your long-distance relationship could "go the distance" to marriage?

Ah, the crucial question. There are all the usual ways to see if the two of you are potentially marriage material, of course. On top of that, a few extra things need to be considered in a long-distance relationship. Try asking these questions:

  • When and how have you planned to trade long-distance for short-distance? No romance should stay long-distance indefinitely. If you want to pursue marriage, moving must be on the table. It’s usually best to move before you get married, especially if there is a Visa process involved. Ask yourself about your plans, timelines, and ideas for life ahead of you, and see where you stand.
  • What do trusted friends and family have to say about your relationship? This might be the most important question of all. Listen to trusted opinions and ask for advice about your relationship: your most trusted will probably prove to be on the right track, because they know you well and want what’s best for you.
  • How do your origins compare? Long-distance usually means you grew up in different cultures. It’s usually not a red flag if one of you enjoys the Tridentine Mass, and the other Novus Ordo. But if you have communication trouble because you don’t speak the same language, that’s a red flag. Evaluate where you come from, including your lifestyles, cultures, families, etc. Compare the two and see if they would mesh well in a future family.
  • How do you plan to handle the distance in reverse? Once one of you moves and you get married, you’ll almost always be geographically distant from one side of the family. Maybe you have the option of living halfway in between, or maybe an ocean separates you from your parents. Discuss your expectations and plans for navigating familial distance, because relatives don’t cease to exist after you marry.

Long-distance romances can seem daunting, but don’t be afraid!

SO many couples on CatholicMatch have found their spouse farther away than they planned. Myself, two of my sisters, and multiple friends are all living examples, and we wouldn’t trade our love stories for the world. Success stories right here show examples of couples learning each other’s languages, moving countries away, facing immense lifestyle switches, all to pursue the love and marriage God had led them to. He has incredible plans! Pray, be open-minded, and trust that God will show you the way forward.

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