Verifying via Distance: How Do You Know if They're Real?!

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Thinking about a long-distance relationship?

One fear factor singles contemplate over long-distance relationships is: how do I know if they’re real?! It’s scary to wonder whether the person on the other side of the screen is legitimate. There are so many scams and catfish and whatever else they call it nowadays. It’s hard to trust someone you have never met, and it’s extra hard when you are time zones, or even oceans, apart!

Now for a disclaimer: the absolute best way to verify a relationship is to spend time in person together. There is NOTHING which can replace real-life interactions in a dating relationship. Really, truly, you need to spend time together in person to discern marriage. And, if at all possible, you should meet in real life before calling yourselves a dating couple, too. So, first and foremost, do your absolute best to make that happen.

That said, relationships don’t revolve around locations and travel schedules. Sometimes jobs, family obligations, or health problems get in the way. Sometimes worldwide pandemics hit, lockdowns happen, and nobody can leave their living room. (You know, just your run-of-the-mill hurdles!) Romance can and often does blossom in huge distances—I myself have experienced it. And the first thing to overcome is verifying whether the person you’ve met online is, in fact, real.

Where do you start?

1. Time is your best friend.

I know you were hoping for a magic snap-your-fingers-and-there’s-your-answer trick. I wish there was one, it would make things so much easier! But this is the real world, and answers aren’t immediate. The surest way to tell whether someone is who they claim they are is to wait it out. Scammers, catfish, and other false dating profiles are most often seeking a short-term payoff. They might be hunting for someone to give them money, a physical-only relationship, or even just emotional validation.

So buckle in and play the long game, my friends. If you both are truly interested in a real relationship, patience will prove this! Wait to cut off other romantic connections, pause any commitment to exclusivity, and hold your horses on marriage talk. When long-distance prevents you from a first date in person, you have to take things really slow. Time won’t hurt the right relationship!

2. What are they asking for?

Big red flags are waving in your face if this “date” is asking you for money, gift cards, sensitive information, etc. That’s an obvious scam. Littler red flags might be someone asking you to commit without building trust together, wanting to get engaged without meeting in person, etc.

This might indicate someone is rushing the relationship in an effort to get something from you, or to hide something from you. If the person simply wants to talk, get to know each other more, and build a friendship over time, this has good potential.

3. Use your tech wisely.

Video chat is your go-to option for long distance relationships, so use it . . .  and use it over and over again. Remember point one, where patience is your best friend? Talking in real time is your bodyguard, meaning it can usually suss out fakers! Video chat interaction (and phone calls) are the closest thing you have to real-life dates. So start video chatting regularly!

And don’t confuse “regularly” with “frequently.” Anybody can have seven video chats in a week and pretend they’re being intentional. But the reality is, this rushes things and invites preemptive attachment. This clouds your judgement and makes you a scam magnet. Instead of cramming in as many video chats as your free time will hold, aim for regular video chats once or twice a week over a period of months. This better mimics real-life, local dating, and also easily incorporates your best friend: time.

4. Get involved in each other’s contexts.

This sounds weird, I know. “Contexts” means whatever is going on in each others’ lives that you can somehow share over distance. Meeting family members over video chat is a great example! Most false identities won’t have a set of parents ready to jump online with them. Swap your social media handles, share stories about work, send pictures of your city or favorite spots, talk about or video-chat-meet your best friends, send things in the mail.

Again, this should be done over lots of time; weekend marathons to cram this stuff in doesn’t count! The end goal here is to get a solid idea of how you each live. This is a great way to build a connection and see if your date can offer some evidence that they are who they say.

5. Assign an expiration date.

Sometimes, patience isn’t enough to rule out every sketchy online dater. If someone is looking merely for emotional validation and not a real relationship, time won’t shoo them away. So, a good idea is to set your own “best before” date on your connection, as if this is something in your pantry you haven’t tried yet.

Let’s say you and a fellow CatholicMatcher have been talking for a couple of months. You want to take this relationship further, but meeting in person just isn’t in the cards right now. What should you do? Assign a time limit on how long you’re willing to wait this out. Maybe it’s a few more months, maybe it’s a year, whatever you’re comfortable with. If your expiration date hits and you still have no real first date on the calendar, it might be time to move on.

Why? People who represent themselves honestly online are usually more than willing to set up a solid first date, no matter how far ahead they have to plan. It’s a red flag if you’re not moving toward a real-life meetup, or if your distant crush won’t commit to first date plans, or if you keep making plans together and they keep cancelling. Something is probably amiss, and you’ll be better off spending your time and energy on other more promising connections.

6. Listen to your gut.

If something feels off, it probably is. Don’t push through just because you can’t put your finger on it! Distance can mask other problems, such as incompatibility, a personality mismatch, or a language barrier. It’s easy to blame distance as the problem, when it might be something else that’s causing an issue. So pay attention to any niggling feelings, hunches, or concerns which crop up. Pray about it, talk to the other person about it, and consult your trusted family and friends.

Also, don’t be afraid to connect with a trusted person who has experience with long-distance relationships—their input could be really helpful. (And you can always read more about long-distance relationships here on CatholicMatch+, too!)

Long distance doesn’t have to be scary. With these commonsense strategies on your side, you can be confident in getting to know someone over the miles. There are hundreds of amazing people who might be geographically inconvenient—but with true love, there’s no hurdle too great to overcome. Who knows where long-distance dating might take you, if you are brave enough to try it!

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