Navigating Friendships as a New Couple

When you're getting nothing but radio silence from your friends...

Have your invitations been seemingly lost in the mail after your engagement? Maybe your long-distance relationship eats up the time you’d normally spend with your buddies. Perhaps you’re unsure how to introduce your beau to all your single friends. Or what if your friends don’t want to hang out with your new spouse?!

Let's tackle the difficult transition for new couples: changes in friend group dynamics. Why does this always happen when people pair up?

Two simple reasons, really. Number one, you shift your priorities and schedule when you commit to a significant other. Everyone has twenty-four hours in a day, and it’s impossible to simply tack on more hours to devote to your romance. As your relationship progresses to marriage and beyond, you devote increasing amounts of time to your romance. Often, that time comes out of friend group plans.

Number two, it’s hard on friends to acclimate to a brand-new person. There’s often pressure on them to suddenly accept the newbie, simply because they’re involved with you. Dropping a new person into a group and expecting everything to remain the same is like dropping a raw carrot in your stew and wondering why it tastes wrong. It simply doesn’t have time to cook! 

So on to the meat of this article. How do we navigate bringing a beloved into your existing friend group? 

1. Accept that things will change.

There’s really no getting around this. Maybe no one’s ever brought a significant other to dance class before. Perhaps you left the dating-around phase and don’t want to attend a bunch of singles events anymore. Or maybe you and a friend in the same group became a couple, which shifted the balance of things. Whatever the case, once romantic interests solidify, dynamics inevitably change. And change is simply a part of life!

Interestingly, the level of change can vary depending on culture. For instance, here in my Midwest hometown, we don’t think much of meeting up alone with old friends, regardless of gender or relationship status. My husband’s Kentucky society, on the other hand, values strong social boundaries where no wife would dream of lunch alone with a single male friend. Obviously, we had slightly different expectations regarding outside friendships! So, the dynamics you see in your own life will be highly individualized to your personalities, friends, and culture.

2. Initiate the new dynamics!

There is some pretty cool news: as a new couple, you often get to set the tone for these inevitable dynamic changes. This gives you a great chance to set everyone up for success. There’s a whole litany of options you can use when working on this! Consider doing some of the following:

• Initiate contact and invitations. Don’t disappear, and make it clear to your friends that you still want to be part of their lives. Setting things up is a great way to communicate that!

• Add the phrase “date/significant other/friends welcome!” in said invitations. If you invite everyone else to bring along their date, you open the floor to current and future significant others. Lead by example!

• Meet up somewhere that welcomes all relationship statuses. Everyone should feel like they are part of the group, whether they’re single OR the new couple. Try bowling alleys, game nights, public dances, fairs, or movie nights. 

• Hang out with your friends solo, too. Don’t be that person who ties their identity to someone else, and therefore can’t do anything without them. You are both still individuals, and you have individual relationships with your friends too.

A very good thing to keep in mind during this process is that no one should be forced to hang out with your sweetie. You love and adore your significant other, but it doesn’t mean everyone else does. Trying to force friendships between friends and your partner is like pushing two magnets together the wrong way: the harder you push, the farther apart the magnets want to be. So don’t pretend that your hubby should come to girls’ night, and don’t bring your fiancée to someone else’s bachelor party.

3. Learn when to hold on, and also when to let go. 

Some friendships may not survive the dynamics change. Those types of friendships are usually based in a similar life stage or context, because the people you’re hanging out with are doing the same things as you. Think of your high school friends, your college gang, your coworker, or the neighborhood group. When your situation changes, many of those friendships fade gradually away. It will be the same when you get engaged or married, especially if you are moving away during that time. Sometimes these friendships naturally drift apart. And that’s okay. You can let go of a friendship and still appreciate all the value it gave you both in the past.

Then there are the permanent friendships, which are worth fighting for. No matter how the relationship started, both of you are really invested in each other’s lives and well-being. These friendships will last a lifetime, and be very thankful for them! Hold on and keep investing time and effort here. Many senior citizens, when widowed, often reflect on how they wished they’d kept up some more friendships besides just their spouse. Friends can outlive a marriage, and they can also add great spice and support to life together. Work to keep these friendships fed and nourished, and they will not only survive but thrive after you pair off with a partner.

As always, go into everything with an open mind and lots of prayer. And if friend group dynamics are stressing you out, don’t be afraid to take a break. Sometimes you just need a prayerful week of reflection to decide what you should do, and what you should leave in the hands of God. Remember, friendships don’t disappear just because you get engaged or married, but they will change some. Be bold and embrace it!