They say you don’t just marry your spouse, but you marry their family.
This is both literally false and vaguely misleading. You’re not married to anyone but your spouse, period. But you also have permanent ties to the extended family, because they are permanently tied to your spouse. Instead, I prefer to say you marry into the family. In-laws will always be part of your relationship after marriage.
A bigger question for online daters is, but when should my parents be involved in my dating life? Is there a right time to have the parents meet your significant other? How should you be treating your boyfriend’s family? How should your parents treat your fiancée?
The simplest rule is to involve parents on a one-step-behind scale. Specifically, whatever relationship phase you are in, offer your parents the involvement you had in the one before. This approach offers clarity to you, boundaries for your parents, and an easy way to naturally blend your romance into your life. It’s not as hard as it sounds, I promise!
Let’s go through the basic dating-to-marriage process, and look at examples of what I’m talking about.
Online Dating.
If you are single and mingling in the online world, it’s better to err on the side of caution. It’s not inherently wrong to show a profile to your parent or ask for their advice, but do so by the golden rule. Would you want someone else’s mom looking at your profile online? (Probably not.) Here, it’s safer to tell your parents you’re exploring online dating, and you’ll keep them posted. At this point in the game, your parents should definitely not be messaging, scrolling profiles with you, or researching potential dates on social media.
Dating.
If you two are casually dating, you can roll out a few more details. Share a picture of your date, tell your mom where they’re from, and let your dad know where you’re going to be Saturday night. See what I mean about your parents being one step behind? Now, your parents can get the “profile preview” of the person, just like you did during the online phase of dating. Sometimes, you meet parents in real life during this stage. This is fine, assuming your parents are on board with keeping things light and acquaintance-ish. Your parents should not be going out on dates with you, spending time with your date without you, or attempting to insert themselves into your date’s social or familial circles.
Exclusively Dating.
This is an underestimated step in your relationship, and where waters tend to get more muddy regarding parents. I believe parents should definitely be invited into your relationship, but only to the appropriate extent. The secular world often views a long-term boyfriend the same as a spouse, which is definitely not true. But they’re also past the barely-know-you phase. Muddy, right?
An easy way forward is simply move your parents up to the phase you just vacated: “first few dates.” Take your parents out on a double date, or have your beloved join in on a family dinner at home. Importantly, don’t try to contrive the relationship between your parents and your girlfriend. Give it time to happen naturally, just as you gave your romance some time to blossom. At this point, parents should not be treating you as if you are married, such as bringing significant others on family vacations or planning for grandkids.
Engaged.
If your parents haven’t met your significant other before you’re engaged, you better have a darn good reason why. Even successful long-distance couples try to make sure parents see the new person via video chat! Once you’re engaged, parents should have the exclusivity level of commitment. They should be able to count on you as the plus one for RSVPs, to respect important family events, and/or be reliable and communicative with them as well as with your betrothed.
Engaged is not married, however, so keep that fine line in focus just like with the exclusivity phase. You shouldn’t be ditching either your side or your fiancée’s side for convenience, or because you just like one side better. Your family of origin is still your family, and your fiancée is your family-to-be; those are not the same things. Parents should also not push you to exclude your fiancée from events, scheduling, or communicating, either.
Married.
Just as the last steps, the parents can get upped to the “engaged” commitment status, and here is where that ladder stops. Where your fiancée came second only to family, now your family of origin is second to your spouse. Yes, the Sacrament of Marriage is that powerful and that definitive! You and your spouse are each other’s family and first priority now. Parents and in-laws have to come second.
Though every road comes with bumps and surprises, that transition isn’t as hurtful as it sounds. Good parents will want you to focus on your spouse first! In return, they should be given respect and communication, and equality with the other side of the family. No matter personalities, one set of in-laws is not more important than the other. (Sidebar: there is wisdom in not going immediately to your own parents for marriage advice once you’ve tied the knot. That can invite overstepped boundaries!)
And of course, none of this is set in stone.
Every relationship and family and date is different, so don’t stress if things get a little out of order. Long-distance romances, breakups, and life circumstances change plans all the time! Daters who come from broken or divorced families might face particular obstacles when trying to involve their parents. My advice there and for any unique circumstance: ask trusted others for sound advice. You might reach out to a long-time married friend, a priest, or spiritual directors to help you move forward.
However you go about it, do your best to honor your mother and father, as the ten commandments bid us. That doesn’t mean letting them overstep boundaries, and it also doesn’t mean shutting them out. Work toward a healthy balance!
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