Your Relationship With Your Parents Matters Just as Much as With Your In-Laws

A man shall leave his mother and father and cling to his wife. But what about a woman?

When I first got married, I was very focused on cultivating a healthy relationship with my in-laws. I was keenly aware that it was a new relationship that needed effort to build and build well, and so I spent time during my engagement and in the early time of being married doing my best to do just that.

And it went well! I got very lucky; I have in-laws that are the appropriate amount of crazy, who support our marriage and me always. And I really appreciate the relationship we have today.

I did not, however, think too much about how my relationship with my own parents would change once I became a wife. That isn’t to say that it has suffered terribly, or suffered at all, but that it didn’t occur to me until once we were married that the same effort was due toward my relationship with them.

Our dynamic had changed, just as my husband had left his father and mother to join me, his wife, so I left my father and mother to join my husband. Together, we established a new family altogether. And the dynamic between my parents and me would be forever altered. For that reason, effort to adapt to that change was equally worth my thought and attention.

Here are few thoughts about working on your relationship with your own parents just as much as your in-laws.

1. Just as your relationship with your spouse’s parents is altered after sacramental marriage, so too is your relationship with your own parents.

Getting married affects the parental relationship for both the husband and wife, even though we hear more often the verse “a man leaves his father and mother to join his wife.” Just as he is now a husband before he is a son, so are you a wife before you are a daughter.

And that is not to be seen as something negative, but something beautiful as the sacrament of marriage truly does affect every facet of your life! In realizing that the relationship does indeed also change for the woman, there is a call to take care of your new relationship with your own parents.

2. Balance is crucial.

Neglecting your relationship with either your own parents or your in-laws won’t always immediately produce negative results, but they will always catch up to you eventually. Maybe it takes one of them coming to you and asking for better communication...or you realizing distance is more prevalent than you thought once your child is born, and you two are looking to establish multi-generational relationships in your family.

It is possible to balance both sides of the family, no matter how off they are in culture or physical location, it just depends on what that balance looks like for the two of you. Balance helps with communication, with journeying through the different parts of your marriage that include your respective in-laws, and especially with your own sanity.

3. Healthy relationships are always fueled with intentionality.

Healthy relationships are healthy for a reason, it is not always effortless! And as easy as some couples may make it look, they take time, just like all relationships in life. Some take years, others take months, it just depends on you and your husband and the families you brought together. Maybe it takes a lot more effort and time to build a relationship with your in-laws, and so your newly changed relationship with your parents isn’t on the forefront of your mind.

Or maybe your in-laws were a breeze to get along with, and it was harder for your own parents to adjust to you being a wife before a daughter. Either way, you can’t skip intentional effort. Just as you can’t jump to being best friends with someone, or even being engaged to someone, so your parental relationships are allowed to require time and care to cultivate in a healthy way.

It took some adjusting for me to understand that my relationship with my parents required intentional time now that there was a balance with a whole other family. But no effort went to waste, and no time went unnoticed. It is so important to care for our relationships with those we love, not only within your own home but within your larger scope of family.