8 Essential Conversations to Have Before You Get Married

The reception hall and church are booked, your flower bouquets are picked, the bridesmaids have ordered their dresses, but have you seriously considered all the topics in your pre-cana instruction? Here's another look into some of those items and beyond:

Money Matters

1. Let your fiancé see your credit history and credit score. Exchange bank statements from the last 12 months. It's important for your future spouse to know what you think warrants spending large amounts of money, as well as discussing the possibility of a repeat expense or habits in the future. Your efforts and foundation to build trust now will pay out for the rest of your married years.

2. Work out a detailed monthly and annual budget. Consider future expenses such as upgrading your car to accommodate more children instead of just replacing what you already have, what a realistic food budget is for a growing family of "x" amount of children, the cost of braces, education (all schooling requires some funds, even homeschooling can be an additional expense), a mortgage on a new home, etc.

3. Update your life insurance and health insurance policy. While single, you may have been able to save money by going on a bare-minimum policy. Make sure you're calculating your additional needs for a spouse and future children.

Integrating Intimacy

4. Practice healthy conflict habits. Let each other know what bad habits you resort to when stressed (use counseling for an external perspective). Work through scenarios in which you might need help from your spouse to calm down. Come up with trigger words or a reassuring touch that will let you know you are in error and need to change. Nobody likes to be corrected, especially when upset.  However, knowing that anger is inevitable, you can come up with creative solutions for your spouse to try when you are angry. Remember you both love each other and you're looking for an amicable agreement—this is not a game where winner takes all. Let your spouse take care of you.

5. Learn some form of NFP, regardless of your age, fertility status, or family plans. NFP is knowledge of how God created and designed our bodies. This information is meant for couples to grow closer together in living out their vocation to serve others through their union. Now this might happen through conceiving biological children (most common), or opening your homes to foster and adoptive children, or "parenting" adults who need the loving support of a family unit.

NFP reminds you of this call: to give of your life to all God's children—regardless of age and size.

6. Remember to consciously date. Of course you date now, so why would that stop in marriage? We have heard from too many people (who are years into their marriage with multiple children) who feel resentful and frustrated for having let their dating relationship lapse for so long in lieu of accomplishing career goals and caring for children. Our approach to consciously date from the beginning of our marriage has spared us this woe. Promise to protect daily time for each other without distractions.

Commit to Community Life

7. Plant yourself in parish life. Start the habit of volunteering together. Think about your five year plan, just in case you have kids right away. Check out local schools, and be aware of the location you want to settle, live, and work.

7.5 Past child bearing age? Think about what amenities are important to you now, and will be in the future, and find a location that best offers these items. Consider access to health care providers, as well as locations friendly to a fixed income. Find friends who have successfully weathered marital storms. The idea is to find people to lean on for support while still being supportive to those who need to lean on you. Do your part in rebuilding a culture of marriage and family life.

Avoid Family Feuds

8. Discuss your important holiday traditions, as well as how often you'd like to entertain visiting family members or how to negotiate travel plans. Budget time that you can spend with extended family, but be careful to set boundaries and protect the fidelity of your marriage by giving your spouse and children your time first. Discuss the possibility of caring for either set of aging parents or other relatives. Would you be willing to open your home to them as their need for care increases? What are their expectations?

Prepare to Trust

Despite everyone's best preparation, there is no way to 100% prepare for what marriage, and the road to Calvary, will be like for you. Some will only experience small hills over time which will challenge their comfort zone. But others will be asked to make regular heroic and saintly sacrifices.

Some couples will face grave illnesses either for themselves or for their children. Some will experience series of unfortunate financial events, without time to recover and rebuild a savings to handle the next one.  Other couples will be challenged with undesired pregnancies or the inability to get pregnant. Some will face the lifelong task of forgiveness through the challenges of infidelity—either emotional or physical.

While some of these circumstances can be avoided with thoughtful planning, many often cannot. The reason God allows these crosses is to give us many opportunities to turn towards Him, and surrender our plans to His love. Plan well, but trust the results to our Lord.