Splitting Family Holidays As A Dating Couple: Should You Or Shouldn't You?
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Let's face it, the holidays are a difficult time to navigate as a couple.
One of the things EVERYONE says about getting married is the difficulty arranging extended family holidays. It is very true—I think the first year my husband and I were married, we had four Thanksgivings and seven different Christmas gatherings to navigate.
Appropriately, many engaged couples start navigating holidays together, which is perfectly normal too. Where things get trickier is when you are dating. Should you go to each other’s holiday gatherings? Should you divide your Christmas Day between his family and yours? What if there’s conflicting schedules? Do you sit in on each other’s Christmas pictures?! The list goes on.
How exactly are you supposed to handle holiday gatherings when you’re a couple, but there’s no ring yet?
First, let’s answer the main question.
Should you split up your holiday celebrations as would a married or engaged couple?
The answer is . . . no. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be involved in holiday celebrations together.
Confused yet? Let me explain.
If you are dating, but not yet married or engaged, you should not be treating your significant other as a member of the extended family. You should not be bringing each other along unannounced to family events, or ditching the holiday party in favor of your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s family holiday, or spending the holiday nights at each other’s houses.
Especially if you have children involved, traditional holiday celebrations should still center around family. And, no matter how much you love each other, a boyfriend, girlfriend, or date is not family. Trying to pretend otherwise is pushing your relationship ahead of where it naturally is, which can not only make things really awkward for extended relatives, but also put too much pressure on yourselves.
On top of that, traditional family parties can be made really, really weird for everyone else when there’s a brand new person shoved into the mix, and everyone is expected to immediately “treat him/her like family.”
Now for the second part.
It is absolutely fine to be involved in each other’s family holidays to some degree.
Significant others often (but not always) move on to become family in the future. Along with that, relatives are often eager to meet and interact with a new significant other. AND, for many people, a family holiday is the best opportunity to introduce the new person.
The trick here is to find a way to include your new sweetie in a way which makes everyone comfortable. Don’t focus on your own dating relationship here, as tempting as it is to cuddle on the couch or kiss under the mistletoe the whole evening. The best strategy is to do your prep work ahead of time and figure out what works for all parties. And, it might look different for your family versus your date’s family. (Then there’s also the common Christmas proposal to consider, which is a post for another day!)
The most important thing is to talk to your family about their comfort levels with the new person involved. Generally, most families are happy to have the chance to get to know your sweetheart further, but it lies on your shoulders to make sure your new romance doesn’t take over the holiday.
So check in with your parents, siblings, grandparents, or whoever is involved, to see if they’re comfortable including a new person to some extent. (Remember, etiquette dictates asking permission before video chatting a new person at a party, too.) Ask for permission in person, on the phone, or even on a text thread. If you get the green light from the majority (except the host, who holds veto power,) you can start planning.
What might these plans look like?
How do you practically involve a date without treating them like family?
- Maybe you and your date live within easy driving distance, so you could drive separately to family events. You could each plan to spend an hour or two at each other’s family holidays, making sure the date excuses themselves early from the party to leave plenty of just-family time available.
- Perhaps you attend Christmas Mass with your significant other and his/her children, but keep opening presents under the tree as a specifically family event. You can always give your gifts later—kids will be excited for presents at any time!
- Long distance might preclude any type of shared holiday. Swapping photos or video chatting for half an hour might be a good option; spending the entirety of a holiday at a date’s family’s place and neglecting the other side isn’t usually a good plan.
- Neither of you has met the parents yet, and Christmas vacation is the only time you’ve got. In this case, especially if there’s a bit of traveling distance, you might have no other option than to spend all of the holidays with one side of the family or the other. So if you are the visiting date, try to get a hotel room or schedule some sort of errand out of the holiday house. You might want a little break, and the family probably wants your date to themselves for a little while.
Obviously, navigating family holidays as a dating couple is not black and white.
When in doubt, a good rule of thumb is to stick to your normal holiday traditions. As much as you may want to spend every Christmas minute together, you are not yet family. You will not die because your date isn’t at your holiday party. You can still be a dating couple even if you go to separate midnight vigil Masses.
Simply put, you’re not there yet! There will be plenty of time to navigate extended family holidays if this relationship does lead to marriage. (And if you break up, it can be really REALLY awkward to have to explain it to all your relatives at the next family gathering!)
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