3 Questions to Ask Before Getting Serious About Someone

You have probably heard that dating is for marriage.

This is true, but sometimes this saying isn’t helpful. It can make you feel like deciding to date someone is as important as deciding to marry them. But this just isn’t true. Deciding to date is a big decision, but it is not THE big decision.

If you’re thinking about getting serious with someone, there is a 90% chance you’re overthinking things. If you’re stressing about whether this is the right decision, don’t worry, that’s normal. But you don’t have to stay in that place. 

There are three questions you can ask yourself and your significant other to discern if getting serious is the right step. Answer these on your own first and then honestly compare your answers.

1. What do you want in life?

If you have never asked yourself this question before, now is as good a time as any. Find someplace quiet and write down what you want your life to look like next year, five years from now, etc. If you already have an answer to this question, that’s great, but it doesn’t end there.

Despite what the inspirational posters and coffee mugs say, “follow your bliss” is bad advice. If you want some things that do not bring ultimate fulfillment, you shouldn’t pursue those things. Talk to a mature friend or mentor about your direction in life and make sure you are looking for the right things. 

For instance, if you don’t want to get married in the future, you should ask yourself why you are thinking about getting serious with someone at all. If you want to get married, but don’t want kids, you should consider why you want to get married. And if you don’t see yourself with the person you are dating in five years…you just answered your own question.

Ask the other person what they want in life and compare your answers. There are a few non-negotiables. If they never want to get married or have kids or live out the faith, that’s a dealbreaker. Other things are negotiable but important to compare. Do either of you have a particularly demanding career? Do you want to live in different places (i.e. near family, rural or urban, etc.)?  

Above all, make sure you are both being honest and not just saying the “right” answers. It’s easy to say you’re looking for marriage but do not really desire it. Similarly, it is easy to say living near family is negotiable when really it isn’t, just to keep the relationship. This attempt to avoid heartbreak will just lead to heartbreak down the road.

2. What are you looking for in this relationship?

Now it is time to get more specific. What are you looking for in this relationship specifically? Ideally, we should date someone because we are attracted to them, and we love them in some way. However, there are thousands of reasons why people date, and they aren’t always the right ones.

Be honest with yourself and if you are having a tough time doing this, talk to a more mature friend about it. Sometimes we date someone because we’re bored or because we feel lonely. Sometimes we date someone for purely physical reasons and other times we date people because they are the “only option” despite not being attracted to them at all.

So, be honest, even if it’s difficult. 

When you ask your significant other this question, it can be a little jarring. But it is of the utmost importance that they are honest with you and themselves about the answer. Are they dating you because they are attracted to you and want to be with you? 

Ask them this question to see if it lines up with your answer. But if it lines up, you shouldn’t necessarily stay together. For instance, if you’re both looking for a physical fling, it’s probably best for both of you if you go your separate ways. 

3. How long do you see this relationship lasting?

Let’s say you want the same things out of life and you’re both dating because you are genuinely attracted to one another and care about each other. Great! There’s still one last question. How long do you see this relationship lasting? Are you looking for this to last a long time? Are you just looking for something short-term?

This wraps up the first two questions and presents them in a different way. It’s a great way to figure out where you stand with this person. If either of you can put an end date on the relationship, it’s probably best to end the relationship before you reach that date.

If the answer is “I don’t want this to end” your discernment is probably done. It’s time to be serious about dating this person.

Starting a serious relationship can be daunting.

But if you ask the right questions, discernment can be simple. The recurring theme is: be honest with yourself and each other. If you are honest about your feelings and communicate them well, you are setting yourself up for a long and happy relationship.