When It's Time to Move: The Long-Distance Debate

Long distance relationships always end in one of two ways.

Either you will break up, or you will get married. (Actually, that’s all relationships, come to think of it.) Whichever end it meets, distance romances are temporary. They’re also very common, and present an interesting question when a couple gets serious or engaged: 

Who moves where?

You don’t want to be married and separated if you can possibly help it, right? You’ll want to be living with your spouse as soon as your vows are said.

But how do you decide when, where, and for which of you the big move happens?

My twin sister and I both have taken our long-distance relationships into marriages. Both relationships involved relocations but in very different ways.

My now-husband and I had been dating for about eight months. Then Chris moved 700 miles across the country to be near me. (We’d talked about it quite a lot between months six and eight.) He was in the middle of online grad school, and the move required housing and job changes on top of it. And, to the surprise of some others, he didn’t propose until a couple months after the move.

My twin Samara, meanwhile, waited to move until after her wedding. She and Derek have been long-distance the entire relationship, because he has a doctor’s residency in the next state over, three hours away. (I call it “residistance.”) They met, dated, got engaged, planned a wedding, and set up their newlywed life all while separated by this time and space.

All of us considered the big things like jobs, school, financing, and housing. Other couples, especially in international relationships, take into account language barriers and visas. Couples with previously annulled marriages often consider children and their needs. These are all well-known factors to address when a long-distance relationship becomes short-distance.

But what about the lesser-known factors?

Besides these normal things, many less-obvious considerations have a big impact on this transition. Let’s go through a few of them.

Personality types: Both parties should be comfortable with how the moving process goes. Chris moved before proposing, because he didn’t want me to feel rushed or pressured into an engagement. I appreciated the chance for us to live nearby, date regularly, and see if our relationship would thrive from the change. Samara’s not a melancholic personality like I am, and she and Derek were comfortable being long-distance all the way through to the wedding. Both options are, in my opinion, just fine! The point is to not try to force yourself through a process counter to your natural traits. Have you allowed your personalities to give you a timeline and direction? Are you both comfortable, or does something feel too forced?

Health care needs: Health was another big factor for me. Chronic illness makes me pretty fragile, and I need to stay nearby my experienced doctors. I also have limitations on work and travel. Obviously this influenced our moving decision! Chris, being healthy, wasn’t physically endangered by a move, where I would have been. Have you and your beloved discussed health factors or conditions that might make moving or traveling difficult? If you haven’t yet, now’s the time.

Safety: Sorry, ladies; men generally are bigger and stronger, and thus aren’t as endangered when they move to a new spot. Women, being smaller and easier targets, face a unique danger in new places, especially cities. Samara was the one moving to a new city, so she and Derek considered extra safety options for her, such as possibly getting a dog or installing a security system on the front door. Knowing neighbors and not straying off alone are also good ways to prevent trouble. Have you considered personal security in your moving plans? How do you plan for safety in your particular situation?

Climate and location itself: Chris successfully went from Kentucky sun to Minnesota snow. (Yep, he’s a brave man.) His car, not so much—it died after two hard winters. He also went from a big city to a small town, which for many people can be a jarring switch. Are you or your sweetie prepared for the weather switch, the traffic jams, or being far away from the nearest Walmart? Changes like this impact daily life more than expected, especially if the move is international.

Travel options for visits: Most people leave behind a family when they move, which make visiting home a concern for the future. As mentioned, Chris is more able to travel to see his family, and I’m not, so we stuck nearby my side. Samara and Derek aren’t near either side of the family. However, they’ve made plenty a plan for Samara to visit her side alone, since Derek works a lot of weekends. Do you know how often you plan to visit those you leave behind? Will it take a car trip or a flight?

Social life: Samara is a social butterfly, and easily made lots of friends in her hometown and various nursing jobs. Leaving them behind was difficult, but her skill of making new friends easily set her up for success in a new city. Even before she moved, she was connecting with groups on Facebook and their local parish, who were happy to make sure she wouldn’t be too lonely. Is one of you naturally good at making new friends? Does one of you find that extremely hard? It’s worth thinking through which one of you can overcome loneliness better.

Assimilation Skills: Let’s just say it. Not all of us are good at change. Some people adapt quickly and easily to new contexts, and others don’t. Maybe, unless there’s another outstanding need, the more flexible partner should seriously consider being the one to move. Has one of you moved a lot growing up and is used to the switch? Does one of you plan to live their whole life in the same spot? Does one of you have a fragile night-shift schedule, or need to have morning coffee at the same shop daily? Whatever it is, sometimes one person is more flexible and has an easier time assimilating to a new place and routine. Account for that.

Overall, when you’re considering who should move where, the answer really is: “it depends.”

There are countless factors in each person’s individual situation to consider, but making long-distance into short-distance happens all the time. Just sit down together and communicate about what you both want! Hopefully these points will give you a good springboard to set you up for moving success.