3 Lies to Stop Believing About Conflict

Once, I may have yelled at a now ex-boyfriend in the middle of a Red Robin.

While we waited for our burgers and fries, he had his eyes on a TV above our booth. I had a need he wasn't meeting: his presence. I don't remember exactly what I said but I think it involved "I guess we will never eat again at restaurants that have televisions." 

All this is to say that there are right ways and wrong ways to confront the problems that pop up in our relationships. And I don't always do it right. There are good times and bad times to bring up problems. Healthy ways and unhealthy ways to fix or manage them. But whether to confront problems—whether to admit they exist and bring them up—isn't up for debate. We should definitely do that.

Still, many of us don't. In fact, many of us act as if conflict is intolerable. But we don't avoid conflict because it's truly unbearable. We make it unbearable by avoiding it. Nobody can get better at getting through it without actually going through it. 

But we'll never do that until we stop believing these 3 lies...

Lie #1: "We should avoid conflict."

Nope. Instead, we should embrace it. That doesn't mean we pick people with whom we're likely to have an undue conflict (like a chaste person who dates an unchaste person or a Catholic who dates an atheist). And it doesn't mean we pick fights with each other on purpose. It just means we get more honest with ourselves and more direct with each other.

When we embrace conflict, we discern what our differences are. We disclose any discomfort our differences cause us. And we decide whether one of us adjusts for the other.

When we avoid conflict, we make maintaining our status quo more of a priority than our growth. And that requires us to deny that we need to grow at all. But all of us still have some growing to do.

Lie #2: "We should end the conflict as quickly as possible."

Heck no. Instead, we should endure it for as long as it takes. That doesn't mean we put up with a significant other who's a bully. It doesn't mean we aspire to fight a lot. It just means we accept that conflict is a normal part of relationships, that doing what it takes to work through conflict is fundamental to a relationship's health, and that without conflict, reaching new levels of emotional intimacy really isn't an option for you.

When we endure conflict, we press on through awkward, stressful, disappointing, and infuriating discussions because we know it isn't "me against you" but "me and you against the problem." We acknowledge that we can't overcome a problem together if we don't confront it. And we know the intimacy we achieve in conflict is worth the discomfort that precedes it.

Yes, brushing a problem off is easier. It requires less of our time, energy, and vulnerability than confronting it does. But pretending it isn't there doesn't make it go away. And to gloss over it is to decide not to see more of your significant other's heart and not to allow him or her to see more of yours. It's only disclosing what's easy to share instead of sharing whatever's important, even if difficult.

It's choosing distance over closeness, putting walls up where windows belong. But intimacy can't grow when we do that.

Lie #3: "We should end the relationship if we have conflict."

Not necessarily. Instead, we should try to become people who are willing to work through it. That doesn't mean every conflict will be easy to navigate. And it doesn't mean we'll always agree after a conflict. It just means we are open to allowing God to shape us, we are ready to let our loved ones influence us, and we are willing to accept all of a person instead of only certain selected parts.

When we try to become people who can work through conflict, we give ourselves and each other grace as we learn to understand each other's differences, adapt to each other's needs, and sacrifice for each other. We are upfront when being upfront is difficult but wise. We'd rather be vulnerable in order to protect our relationships than risk our relationships to protect ourselves from having to be vulnerable. But to try to find a spouse who never conflicts with you is to seek a marriage that won't do what marriage is designed to do: sanctify you.

Yet most of us still dare to seek life without conflict.

And on the surface, that sort of life sounds nice. There are no dealbreakers. And there are no fights. There is no tossing and turning at night while you dwell on what concerns you about your significant other. But what we really should dare to seek instead of life without conflict is life without the fear of it—because life without conflict isn't possible.

We avoid it anyway because it's uncomfortable, because we worry about what conflict might unveil.

Yes, the possibility exists that you'll discover a dealbreaker. But did you not survive your last breakup? You might learn that you hurt your significant other's feelings. But is not knowing really better than being given a chance to apologize? You might find out you need to make some unanticipated changes. But did you actually think you'd never have to change again—that you'd already become as healthy and holy as you can be?

Maybe it's time to confront what we haven't confronted yet, to get curious about the parts of your hearts you still haven't shown each other, and to endure a little more discomfort.

And maybe it's also time to admit what's really true about conflict: that it's not as bad as we think it is.