Spotting Emotional Abuse Isn’t as Easy as You Think

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The dating topic that needs addressing.

When you think of emotional abuse, you probably picture violence, aggression, and intimidation. While that is certainly correct, do you know the other, much more subtle signs of emotional abuse in romantic relationships? Even more importantly, do you know how to distinguish these signs from normal dating patterns?

A short disclaimer: While multiple different personality disorders can cause emotional abuse, this article does not attempt to diagnose. Here we focus on subtle differences between normal dating behaviors and behaviors that might point to unhealthy relationship patterns. Links provided are to videos by Dr. Ramani and Dr. Les Carter, licensed psychotherapists who specialize in personality disorders.

Let’s jump right in.

Ever heard warnings not to date “Toxic personalities?” “Users?” “Players?”

Basically, these slang terms all refer to the same class of personality disorders, including narcissism, borderline personality, sociopathy, and psychopathy. The common thread between all is the tendency toward emotional abuse.

But wait! Abusive behaviors can and often do exist outside of official diagnoses. What really matters is whether people know the subtle signs their date might be an emotional abuser, whose primary characteristics often include:

  • Entitlement: someone feels they deserve things others don’t. 
  • Control: someone is compulsively driven to control others and their situations. 
  • Insecurity: someone finds security not in themselves but in others’ opinions of them.
  • Egocentrism: someone lives on the assumption they are the most important person. 

Any combination of these can set the stage for crossing emotional boundaries. It’s important to note that most abusers don’t recognize they have unhealthy patterns, and they often want good things for you. The problem is how they apply these mentalities in the early stages of dating.

Emotional abusers might use one of these tactics:

1. Love bombing: Emotional abusers will often “love bomb” the person they want to impress. Gifts, attention, invitations, and texts all being poured out after the first or second date are not all that uncommon—usually, daters assume this means someone is head over heels for them.

However, it can also be a red flag of an abuser who has chosen you as their next target. Love bombing draws you in and make you emotionally bonded too fast, filling the abuser’s insecurity. While you don’t have to ditch and run instantly if your date displays this behavior, be on the lookout for what might be coming next.

2. Devaluation: Do you feel like small comments and little things your date says or does imply you are inferior, but you can’t put your finger on why? This is subtle (or sometimes obvious) devaluations of you and your choices. “Why don’t you and I hang out again—your friends really aren’t that much fun, it’s better just us.” “You know, dinner would be better if you cooked it like I do.”

These can often be disguised as compliments: “I love that outfit, it makes you look a lot thinner!” It’s really an insult, but it’s covered up by the idea of admiration. The strategy behind devaluations is to make the victim feel inferior and dependent on the abuser for approval. This is one of the easier things to recognize in your date, due to its nature of egocentrism and entitlement.

3. Gaslighting: This is someone demanding or pleading for justifications on where you were, why you were there, or who you were with. It’s easy to confuse normal dating questions with gaslighting; the main difference lies in whether the abuser feels entitled to your answer. Normal dates might ask why you were late or if you’re seeing other people, but that should be simply curiosity or wondering if you’re playing the field.

If someone instead backs up these questions by saying they deserve to know what you were doing, they don’t trust anyone else around you, or they need to know to keep you or your relationship safe, it’s a red flag! That’s a ploy to make you feel inferior and to isolate you from others, playing into the abuser’s insecurity and egocentrism.

4. Flying Monkeys: This is the term used for the flock of supporters emotional abusers might reference, real or imagined. For instance, if they are trying to talk you out of something you plan to do, they’d say, “All my friends think this is a bad idea, too, it’s not just me.” They could try to control your minor habits like nail biting with “If so-and-so saw you acting like this, you’d be so embarrassed!”

Essentially, this tactic shifts pressure and blame from the abuser’s shoulders onto a host of others, such as their friend group, their church community, or even an admired set of long-dead philosophers. It’s a grown-up form of ganging up on the new kid on the playground. Whether or not the flying monkeys are real or agree with the abuser, this tactic helps fulfill the abuser’s need for control, and often makes them feel like they’re helping you become better.

But, what about yourself?

Now that we’ve been over some basic symptoms of emotional abuse, let’s go over one other important aspect about emotional abuse, which is your existing personality. Usually, abusers are attracted to people who are easily manipulated or are codependent due to past relationships, childhood trauma, or are simply people-pleasers. If you aren’t sure what codependency looks like, ask yourself these questions:

  • Do you fantasize about marrying someone after only a couple dates? 
  • Do your friends complain they never see you after you start dating someone new? 
  • Do you feel secure in a relationship but insecure single?
  • Do you put up with backhanded comments to avoid upsetting others? 
  • Do you attempt to change yourself to meet others’ standards? 

These are all indicators of codependency, which is a fancy way of saying a person who is dependent on another to feel secure or good about themselves. Emotional abusers are naturally drawn toward people who will bend over backwards to please them, and who are dependent on their approval to feel secure. Unchecked, this can go as far as expecting the significant other to base their actions solely on how the abuser might react.

And you might be the type of person who falls for the trap.

For example, an abuser will say things like “How could you do this to me?” or “You should have known I’d be upset” in response to their significant other’s normal or even healthy behaviors, if it disrupts what they want. Remember how abusers are usually insecure and entitled? Essentially, an emotional abuser wants to date someone who will take on responsibility for the other person’s emotions and happiness.

Obviously, the best case scenario in all this is not to date an emotionally abusive person in the first place. Good news! Dr. Ramani has a whole video on how to shape your dating life to ensure you don’t fall into the trap of abuse. Remember, this article is meant as a springboard for you to recognize unhealthy patterns if you come across them.

Armed with the basics, go forth and date unafraid! You have the basics of how to recognize emotional abuse, and thus are in little danger of falling for the ploys.

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