Dating 'Do Overs' Can Happen If You Are Willing to Do This

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I can't believe they're still single.

Over the years, I've met many wonderful single adults in a variety of professional situations. These individuals are usually educated, faith-filled and great conversationalists. It confounds me why they are not seriously dating, engaged or married. And that is why I usually quip "Why aren't you dating anyone? You seem to be a great person!" It typically takes them less than 10 seconds to offer one of the following responses.

"I'm not the dating type. Just ask the women I've asked out."

"I've stopped dating because it only leads to heartache for me."

"Dating is frustrating and expensive. You have to be crazy to date these days."

"I've tried dating and it never leads to anything substantial. I'm so over dating."

Upon hearing any of these answers, I usually apologize for asking such a direct question and beg their forgiveness. Most people accept my apology and then offer a bit of their personal story. What always amazes me is that a common theme runs through each unique account of the dating experience...

Everyone failed at something.

What do these great people say that they fail at when dating?

I am too picky or defensive. I have an unhealthy attraction or you are too needy. She/he is out of my league or underwhelming. I want to be all in and he/she is lukewarm. My social skills are lacking or vastly different from those I date. My oh my—the list seems endless!

But, there is another common thread that I hear from those who have abandoned dating. Many of them end their comments by saying that they wish they could do a hard reset and try again. They admit that they want a do-over.

When someone says they want to try to date again, they are being prompted by the Holy Spirit to remain hopeful. Wishing for a do-over is a visible sign from God that they need to put themselves out there again (and if needed, again and again and again...)

But, how do you do that? How do you re-enter the dating scene with renewed energy and eagerness after perceiving that you failed time and time again?

Using your hope, understand that achieving a different dating outcome means trying different dating approaches. Albert Einstein is credited with saying that insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results. Obviously, you don't want to go insane when you start dating again So, time to identify your mistakes and fix them.

Getting to the root of your lack of dating success requires an honest and thorough examination of your dating behaviors.

Uncover your issues by reflecting on these questions.

  • Do I have a fixed mindset about myself (this is how I behave and I can't change) that keeps me stuck in a rut? Am I capable of changing to a growth mindset (I can change my behaviors)?
  • Do I believe that I am worthy of love and intimacy, or do I think of myself as faulty and undeserving?
  • How do I approach a first date? Is it a chance to interview the other person or is it a time for me to tell them who I am?
  • Do I approach dating seriously or with a light and open heart?
  • Can I go out with someone just for fun or must all dates be about 'finding your perfect mate?"
  • What is the most important quality that I am looking for in a date? If the person I am with doesn't seem to have that quality, how do I react?
  • Do I rush to judgement about the people I date, or am I willing to take my time to know them?
  • How would I want a date to treat me if they don't find me attractive or worthy of a subsequent date? Would I like them to give me a do-over?

Self-reflection can be burdensome. Yet, it can also be a blessing—especially when it is done prayerfully. That is why one should include God in the discussion. He has the power to transform weaknesses and limitations when we admit that we need His help and submit to His loving plan for us. That's why we need to remind ourselves that God can make all things new again. Do-overs are possible when we cradle ourselves in His forgiveness, mercy, and love.

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