Should You Date Someone Smarter Than You?

A lot of singles have asked me things like: 

“Am I being shallow for caring about whether or not someone is smart?” 

“I didn’t go to college; should I date someone who did?”

“Should I only date people who have the same education level as me?”

What role, exactly, does intelligence play in romance? How much does it matter? What should a single Catholic keep in mind?

Let’s start with the basics. It is not shallow to care about being smart or to hope your date and future spouse are smart. Intellect plays a big role in relationships because it affects communication, conversation, capability, and expectations. Thus, smarts do matter to a certain extent. 

HOWEVER . . . (and this is a big HOWEVER. . .)

Intelligence isn't "one-size-fits-all"

Don’t be fooled into dating only those with the perfect transcripts or difficult degrees. Stereotypes and shallow mindsets can lead you to date only college grads instead of entrepreneurs or only readers instead of film buffs. Like everything else in life, different people are smart in different ways. Have you heard of Gardner’s multiple intelligences theory? Howard Gardner, a famous psychologist, developed a theory of eight primary intelligence types, which are spatial-visual, musical, verbal-linguistic, logical-mathematical, bodily-kinesthetic, interpersonal, intrapersonal, and naturalistic. The main takeaway here is there are many, many ways someone can be smart!

The difference between men and women

Another difference in intelligence comes with the gender divide. Women and men are biologically wired differently, and so they are naturally good at different things and smart in different ways. Marriage itself revolves around those differences, after all! Age, culture, location, and background can all affect intelligence levels and the knowledge someone has on various subjects.

Look for intellectual compatibility instead!

Okay, back to the main question. If there are a million ways to be smart, how do you know if a date is smart enough for you, or vice versa? Well, you can’t. But that’s okay. You’re not looking for someone who is only “smart.” What you ARE looking for is intellectual compatibility. And this is way, way more important.

Intellectual compatibility means you understand each other in ways that create a healthy dynamic between you as a couple. It means you’re on the same intellectual “playing field.” It doesn’t matter if one of you is playing pitcher and the other is playing shortstop. You’re both playing baseball, and you know the rules of the game! Now if one of you thought you were playing baseball, and the other thought it was croquet, you’d have a problem. See what I mean? Intellectual compatibility isn’t focused on matching like with like; it’s focused on whether the two players can actually play ball together. 

This gets right at the heart of relationships. When you ask whether you have intellectual compatibility with someone, you’re not looking at a prerequisite checkbox, but at the person. You’re going to be focusing on the unique relationship you have (or could have), and learning whether this has potential for marriage.

Do opposites really attract?

Now it could be argued that, more often than not, singles end up coupling with someone who has the same level of education, the same career field, or the same interests. Did they go straight for “smart,” and ignore others who were different? Maybe, maybe not. Many times, singles find themselves drawn to people similar to themselves in one way or another. Often, people of compatible intelligence end up in the same field or have similar hobbies, and it turns into a point of connection. But you don't have to end up with someone similar to you just as you don't have to be with someone different! Intellectual compatibility can exist in both situations. Either way is awesome because you will have found a great spouse for a future marriage!

All right, let’s get to the practical stuff.

What are some signs you and your date have intellectual compatibility?

• You communicate well
• You feel excited and ready to talk to each other about whatever is on your mind
• You routinely feel heard and understood by the other person
• Neither of you feels constantly bored by the other’s favorite topics
• You can discuss why things are important or unimportant to you
• You feel genuine interest when your date shares about his/her work or hobbies, even if you don’t participate in them
• You can question each other’s opinions without fearing unhealthy conflict
• You can find happy compromises

What are some signs you don’t have intellectual compatibility?

• You’re constantly confused by what the other person says
• Conflict feels like you’re arguing about two completely different things
• One or both of you constantly have to repeat yourself and tweak your phrasing to be understood
• You’re bored by each other’s conversation or have no interest in each other’s favorite topics
• You feel misunderstood or that it takes a massive effort to get the other person to understand a small thing
• Compromising leads to resentment instead of resolution
• Someone feels like they have to continually slow down or wait for the other

You’ll notice some commonalities between all of these signs, both good and bad. First, each takes time to identify. This is a good thing! Dating should take some time and energy, especially if you’re getting serious. Second, not one of these signs is staked on career choices, college majors, or IQ tests. It is looking exclusively at your intelligence as a pair and the dynamic it creates. Finally, these all point to relational elements necessary for a healthy marriage. Things like communication, compromising, and conflict affect marriage greatly, so it’s good to get a read on those during dating.

In summary, this comes down to the same solution as many other dating questions: you need to get to know each other well, over time, and in person. You can’t measure character or faith by a dating profile alone, and you can’t measure intellectual compatibility there, either. So give people a chance, and in doing that, you’ll give God room to work in your love life!