Why You Should Fight While Dating

Our Lord says, “Blessed are the Peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God.”

Unfortunately, we have a tendency to confuse ‘peace’ with simply the avoidance of conflict. But there are two ways people avoid conflict; the first is by presenting their differences in an atmosphere of mutual respect and goodwill and working out a solution based on higher, shared goals. When successful, this indeed brings about peace.

The other way is by ignoring a problem and hoping it goes away. This is the method favored by professional pacifists and armchair demagogues and never results in actual peace (though it does sometimes bring Peace Prizes if you’re into that sort of thing).

So, when it comes to the conflicts that will inevitably arise in our relationships, I’m recommending the first option, right? Sitting down, working out a mutually beneficial solution based on shared goals and values? Absolutely.

But the trouble is, that takes a lot of practice, a lot of virtue, and a lot of genuine love and self-sacrifice. It’s probably going to take you a while to reach a position where this is anything but an elaborate show version of the second option for one or both parties.

But wait! If there are only two options, one bad, the other often out of reach, where does that leave us?

Where most such efforts end up: just having the fight after all.

Because let’s be honest here, you will have fights in your relationship. There are always differences between two people (especially when one is a man and the other is a woman), and sooner or later this will lead to disagreements that will have to be settled or at the very least acknowledged.  

Before we go any further, a caution: like any skill, there are rules to fighting, depending on what you want to achieve. This isn’t just a matter of honor or chivalry (though those matter too), but of practical common sense.

Many people, unfortunately, have a habit of ‘fighting dirty:’ of trying to make their opponent appear ridiculous or unreasonable, rather than trying to make their own points appear stronger.

It’s easy enough to do this, especially if you’ve known someone for any length of time; just adopt an attitude or tone of voice that you know she finds infuriating, or label him or his views “sexist” or “chauvinistic” or some equally unfortunate term, and you can generally render them unable to articulate their point in any coherent fashion, effectively ending the fight right there (for examples of this sort of thing in action, see any internet comments section).

One of the best things you can do for your future relationship is to fix in your mind as an unalterable resolution that you will never, under any circumstances, employ this method of fighting. It is cruel, it is selfish, it is unhelpful, and it will wreck your relationship faster than anything this side of pornography.

Really, what would it say about you if you thought insulting and humiliating your spouse was worth it just to win an argument?

This is one of the chief reasons you should have fights throughout your relationship; it teaches you how to fight.

It lets you experience how to have disagreements and work your way through them in a healthy manner; by focusing on the issue at hand, avoiding any personal attacks or insults, and apologizing and making up if things get out of hand (as they will sometimes with you both, presumably, being human). Again, you know it is going to happen, so it is best to keep in practice. 

It isn’t as if you are likely to ever run low on opportunities either, however mutually compatible you may be (there may be perfectly compatible couples out there, since anything is possible, but it would not be wise to count on your being one of them).

And this is another reason to not be afraid to have fights: it lets you deal with each issue as it arises. Often the first instinct, when a disagreement arises, is to let it pass because you don’t want any unpleasantness and really, it isn’t such a big deal after all.

Then a few years later, you suddenly find yourself including it in a long list of grievances showing how unfairly she treats you...when if you had just been honest and open about it in the first place, the whole thing would have probably been settled right then and there instead of gnawing at your soul for years.

But, isn't there a risk to fighting too much in a relationship?

Oftentimes, especially early on in our relationships, we fear that such a fight might destroy it entirely: “If I try to argue with her here, she might be offended or hurt, so I’ll let it slide.” And there is, of course, a risk. But if you accept that risk, two delightful results follow.

The first is that you discover that your relationship can survive fights and disagreements. You have positive proof that your connection goes beyond the surface level ‘he’s pleasant to be around’ into something deeper.

The second is something especially important for the female side; a man who is willing to push back against you, to defend his views and ideas and preferences even at the risk of offending or annoying you shows character. It proves that he is willing to endure unpleasantness and pain for the sake of what he thinks is right, which in the long run is much more important than whether you agree on everything. To put it another way, a man who will not stand up to you will not stand up for you.

So don’t be afraid of getting into fights and arguments at any stage of your relationship. It’s going to happen sooner or later, and if you accept that and embrace it, then it’s liable to do you a lot of good.