When Not Being on the Same Page Is a Good Thing

Do you expect your partner to be on the same page as you? On everything? On anything?

I hung my head in exasperation. "We are so not on the same page," I told my friend as she inquired about my budding new relationship.

Her response snapped me out of my unnecessary despair: "Well, can you really expect to be?"

That comment made so much sense—I am I, he is he, and we have both experienced close to thirty years of life unrelated to one another. Each person is an infinite mystery who can never be completely understood by anyone other than the Creator. And finally, he is a man! And me? I am most definitely a woman.

While it's important to agree on moral issues, you may not agree on smaller things.

All this to say, of course, we are going to be coming at this relationship with different perspectives, thoughts, and ideas. If we were on the same page from the get-go, that would either be some freak of nature or indicate one of us was completely conforming to the others’ thoughts and ideals. Not cool.

I am a huge advocate for making sure the man of interest has similar morals and values (if not, what's the point?). I think it is important to make sure you are "reading the same book," but beyond that, let go of the expectation of being on the same page. In fact, it may even look like your versions are written in different languages. But the good news is that it’s all really interesting content and makes for fascinating conversations!

Rather than allowing these inevitable differences to act as roadblocks or "red flags," I am learning to fight my way through any anxiety that ensues from not feeling 100% understood, as that's not a realistic expectation in the first place.

Every relationship, at some point, can feel like a tug-of-war.

I always imagined a relationship starting with the bold declaration that we like one another and are committed to one another. But this man seems to think that you start slow and build up to that declaration after you have had substantial time together.

I just want to hear him say that he likes me. He thinks saying he likes me demands a series of actions that we are not yet ready for.

I love emails and letters. FaceTime is his preferred mode of communication.

Does that make us incompatible? No, rather, it allows us the chance to understand the why behind our thought processes, share them with one another, and form this relationship to the reality of who we both are.

Because guess what? How I imagined a relationship would go was just that—a figment of my imagination! Now, I am working with a concrete and very real human being—one who isn't dictated by my imaginative thoughts—but rather responds and acts from his own unique personhood, and that personhood deserves reverence. My job is not to change him or conform to him, but to be with him. In that being, we will both naturally grow, and that growth will be good. It will make each one of us more of the person that God created us to be if we let it.

Even gender differences, which can be so frustrating, are so good and exactly what God intended!

I find great comfort in our differences in the words of JPII: “It is precisely because the woman is different from the man, nevertheless putting herself at the same level, that she can really be his helper.”

Did you catch that? Not only are these differences not a roadblock or a red flag, but they are also actually good! They are necessary! They are what makes each one of us more whole and complete! This is the essence of complementarity. To complement is to add something to another that helps bring it to perfection (all my wine-lovers out there, can I get an “Amen!”!?).

Ultimately, you want someone who will challenge you and stretch you.

It would be super easy to date someone who approached all of life exactly as I do. But how boring! And comfortable. And at the end of the day, unchallenging. As a woman, a man’s differences will help to perfect me, and mine will help to perfect him. While striving to understand and relate to one another, we will no doubt experience hiccups (we’ve just begun Stage 1 and have already experienced a few), but by continuing to throw our different perspectives, thoughts, and responses into this relationship stew we are both growing.

I am being challenged, I am be stretched, and I’m having fun! Getting out of the habit of calculating every difference and labeling them as either good or bad, learning to expect them and take them with a grain of salt, I am learning so much about both him and myself and I am enjoying the ride!

More often than not, we are not starting out on the same page. And that’s okay. Because the process of getting somewhere near the same page, let’s say the same chapter, is not only really fun, but it is also really good. It is sanctifying for both of us.