8 Things Men Should Know About Marriage

I am one of few men who has outlived his wife.

Statistics tell us that 85% of surviving spouses are women. My childhood sweetheart and I were married for 38 years, 4 months, and 26 days before cancer stole her away. Add in the three and half years of dating, and we were together for almost 42 years. 

So, do I have opinions about what it takes to have a successful marriage? Oh yes.

I often tell those I have the privilege to mentor that I am no wiser than they are. But I have traveled further down the road than they have, and I know where the potholes are. I even fell in a few of them—and learned how to crawl out of them.

But marriage, a great marriage, is more than just avoiding potholes. It can be an adventure and the most meaningful relationship you can have with another human being—and that’s the primary focus of what I’d like to share with you. Here are a few lessons learned from the far side of marriage.

Marriage is NOT a 50-50 Proposition.

There are those who emphasize marriage as an equal partnership where each partner shares the household duties, costs, and responsibilities. “I changed the diaper last time; now it’s your turn!” Keeping score means there is a winner and a loser.

Don’t worry about who did what for whom last. Marriage works best when it is 100-0. Be a Texas Hold’em Poker player who has four aces and goes ALL IN. If both spouses carry that attitude throughout the marriage, it will likely last a lifetime.

Find True Intimacy.

For decades, we have lived in an over-sexualized era. Is it any wonder that sex has been trivialized? And marriage is viewed as outdated. Still, those who embrace the sacrament of marriage must avoid the perspective that marriage provides a safe place to have all the sex you want. Sadly, men often view sex and intimacy as synonyms for the same thing.

The 21st Century male is clueless in matters of romance. Humans crave intimacy—and not just the physical aspect of it. One author defined intimacy as into-me-see, insisting that true intimacy involves a transparency that promotes spiritual, emotional, as well as physical oneness.

Intimacy is more than the merging of two bodies in sex. God’s idea is to “weld” two minds and bodies together, allowing the marital embrace to serve as a foretaste of the eternal, a reflection of Christ, the bridegroom and His Bride, the Church.

Real intimacy begins with knowing yourself and being willing to allow someone into your heart. It’s a slow process, like peeling an onion. It happens a little at a time as trust is developed. Pursue true intimacy, and your marriage will be rich and fruitful.

The Tenderness Factor.

In his book, The Book of Romance, author Tommy Nelson declares, “The way a woman spells love over time is tenderness…Show me a woman who feels that her husband deals with her tenderly—with kindness, good manners, generosity, genuine affection, and understanding—and I’ll show you a happily married woman, regardless of external circumstances that may come against their union or family.”

I learned that lesson early in my marriage. My wife helped me understand how much she appreciated those moments when a display of affection was the end in itself and not always a prelude for more.

Throughout our marriage, I sought opportunities to express my love and respect through tender touches, holding her hand while walking through the mall or giving her a foot rub after spending a long day as a nurse. Holding her for an extended hug, letting her know she was the most important person in my life. Or a tender embrace that communicated that all I needed, all I wanted, at that particular moment was to hold her in my arms and kiss her softly.

After 30 years of marriage, my wife taped a quote by St. Jerome on our bathroom mirror. It read, “There is nothing so strong as gentleness and nothing so gentle as real strength.”  She reminded me that she admired gentleness as a strong masculine trait. And since gentleness is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, it represents the ultimate example of strength under control. 

She knew God made man the stronger vessel physically. She explained, “when your words and touches are tender and gentle, I feel loved rather than an object of lust. And I never feel more cherished, my spirit more refreshed or nourished, then when you shower me with words of affirmation rather than criticism.”

Learn How to Fight!

Conflict is inevitable. You are human. Yes, even the best of marriages have conflict. Healthy marriages learn how to fight lovingly and well. Troubled marriages allow anger and resentment to build and never deal with the root sources of the conflict. The fight never ends; it just simmers and smolders below the surface until the next trigger sets it off again.

Fight fair, fight clean, learn how to resolve the conflict, and move on. Developing resolution skills strengthens a marriage and allows conflict to spur growth rather than have a corrosive effect. Don't hide the hurts and let bitterness take root. If your spouse says something hurtful, talk about it. More often than not, a misunderstanding or miscommunication caused the pain. Remember, the two most important words in a marriage are “I’m sorry.” 

Marriage is a Garden, Not a Fruit Stand. Tend it.

In Dr. Allen Hunt’s book, “The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage,” he writes that marriage is a garden, not a fruit stand, you have to tend it.  And you tend it best when you focus on the little things—like a smile, a gentle touch, sharing a quick hug, and listening intently to each other’s conversations. Your marriage will thrive when such positive interactions outnumber the negative by a 5:1 ratio. Keep the weeds of “contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling” out of your marriage garden, and your marriage will grow.

Avoid Pornography.

Watching pornography will plant seeds of destruction in your marriage. Such images become tattooed on your brain. How does the poison of pornography work? It has the effect of making true intimacy meaningless by:

1. Creating desires that cannot righteously be fulfilled, 
2. Creating false ideas as to what sex really is, and 
3. Creating false expectations as to what sex with your spouse should be.

Pornography objectifies women and weakens the commitment to a monogamous relationship with its focus on self-gratification. Pornography promotes a lustful heart focused on what you can “get.” God’s idea of sexual intimacy finds the greatest fulfillment in a heart of giving. For in giving, we receive. True lovers are givers, not takers. Avoid pornography.

Give Up Your Unrealistic Expectations!

Soon after marriage, you realize that the marriage glow may have dimmed. Someone has to do the dishes and the laundry. The daily routine can become a daily grind. Romance is not always in full bloom all the time. Be realistic and communicate, communicate, communicate to avoid misunderstandings. Focus on communicating AND listening early in marriage. Develop those habits and manage those expectations to avoid the pothole of disillusionment.

Worship Together.

Place Christ in the center of your marriage, and you will have made an essential step in strengthening your marriage. Pray together daily, renewing your love for each other and the Lord. The family is the domestic church, and Satan loves to destroy marriages because doing so serves as a way to attack God. Praying together and for each other is a strategic act in spiritual warfare.

There is no magic formula, no guaranteed list of must-dos that will ensure a successful marriage. Nevertheless, when I remarried after six years as a widower, I gleaned these lessons from a lifetime of marriage memories, which I am now putting into practice again.

That reminds me of one of my favorite marriage quotes. The author, Anne Lamott, wrote, “A good marriage is where both people feel like they're getting the better end of the deal.” Embrace the eight things above, and your spouse will think they are getting the better end of the deal.