Learn How to Fight Well Now

As a storyteller, I work mainly in the arena of human conflict. Conflict is what makes heroes set out on epic journeys. It ignites passions and makes lovers quarrel. Ultimately, conflict is what draws an audience to the characters, and makes them feel invested in an outcome.

From a storyteller’s point of view, conflict is what makes stories interesting. It's what makes life interesting.

From the point of view of someone in the middle of a fight with their loved one, it's not so fun.

Conflict in our own lives can be harrowing, but it's inevitable.

When we experience conflict in our own lives, it can be a harrowing, anxiety-producing experience. Our own fears often get in the way of communicating well. Most often, it is exactly because we love and care for another that makes conflict so scary. We fear losing those we love most.

In relationships of any depth or substance, conflict is inevitable. It is also necessary and healthy. Woe to the relationship that doesn’t blow apart and require evaluation every now and then. Some of the most serious dysfunction can happen when there is no opportunity to vent.

Knowing how to address conflict in a healthy way in a crucial part of any relationship.

Confrontation can be scary because many of us were not taught how to address conflict in a healthy way.

I grew up in an authoritarian, emotionally stunted home where children were not allowed to ever question their elders. In many abusive homes, confrontation is often seen as acting “disrespectful” toward the abuser. Even in less extreme cases, misshapen notions about submissiveness and authority can distort a healthy exchange, and create a passive-aggressive approach.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, others grow up in homes where everyone is shouting at one another but no one really means it. In both of these situations, people are not hearing, seeing, or understanding one another.

Some of the best opportunities to grow toward God and toward one another are rooted in airing out conflicts. Learning to fight well is essential in all committed relationships.

So what does healthy confrontation look like? How do you fight well? Here are some pointers.

1. Be direct.

When something is bothering you, this is not the time to make your partner guess what’s wrong. Spill it. Don’t let resentment build up. Communicate early and often when something doesn’t sit well with you, before the issue builds up into something bigger than it needs to be.

Of course, the key to this is self-knowledge. Pay attention to the small things that irk you and be honest with yourself about how you feel. We humans can get into bad habits by denying or repressing our feelings in order to get along with others. Inevitably this behavior almost always leads us to larger relational problems. As soon as you identify a problem, speak up.

2. Don’t make assumptions.

Most people don’t hurt others on purpose. Try not to assume ill intentions, and always allow your partner to explain. A healthy relationship looks a lot like 1 Corinthians 13. “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

3. Communicate your feelings.

Your feelings are valid, and if you are in a healthy, loving relationship, your partner will respect them wholeheartedly. Rather than attack, make assumptions, or blame the other, focus on communicating how their actions made you feel.

It might look like this. “When you {action}, I felt {emotion}.”

For example: "When you didn’t call to let me know you got home ok, I felt worried." By communicating this information, it reduces defensiveness and helps your partner understand how their actions affect you.

4. Affirm your love and care for your partner.

Even when it’s not our intention, sometimes when we confront, all the other person can only hear negative tapes, like, “I’m bad,” “I can’t do anything right,” or “I’m unlovable.”

Those who have come out of dysfunctional or abusive situations often need more patience and reassurance when confronted. You can help diffuse this by making an extra effort to point out what your partner is doing right, and how much you love them.

One technique for this is what an old mentor used to call the “circle of love.” Before giving critique on our work, he would always have us start out talking about what was working, and end with what was working.

5. Keep an eye out for red flags.

Here’s some hard truth. None of these techniques will work in extremely dysfunctional or abusive situations. If your significant other freaks out when confronted, never takes responsibility for their actions, or constantly shifts blame, it’s time to get out.

It’s normal for most people to get defensive when confronted some of the time. Sometimes, people need a bit of time to process feedback, especially if they grew up in a shaming environment. Some people carry around so much negative self-talk it’s hard to hear anything constructive. If this describes you or your partner, give yourselves a little extra patience.

If you get major pushback all of the time, this is an indicator that your significant other has issues beyond the capacity of your relationship. It’s wise to seek counsel in these situations, and if he or she fails to come around, it’s better for your own mental and emotional health to move on.