Handling Troubled Times in Your Relationship

“My marriage is struggling.” 

These words cut me to the heart last month as I sat with my sobbing friend, Stacy. As we sat together in her basement, she began confessing some never-before-shared details about her relationship. 

What struck me most about our conversation that day was when Stacy admitted she hadn’t shared about her marriage struggles with any other friends. She also asked me an all-too-important, but rarely-posed question: “How is your marriage?” 

It occurred to me that it’s a question we don’t ask others—or ourselves—enough. Typically, when it comes to marriage or dating relationships, we share only the good with our friends, and rarely the bad. My friend remarked that day how alone she felt in her struggle. What she didn’t realize, until she asked, is that my marriage has also seen its fair share of struggles.

So when you face troubled times in your dating relationship, engagement, or marriage, what can you do? Though I don't know the details of your specific situation, here are some basic steps to take in turning things around:

1.) Bring it to light.

Like any self-help book might say, the first step to fixing any problem is admitting you have one. This is also often the hardest step. But just like a bad habit, relationship issues thrive in the darkness. The more you deny, ignore, or suppress the issue, the worse it could become. 

It’s true that all relationships come with their “problems.” That’s a given, thanks in part to our fallen nature as human beings. When you have two imperfect people sharing their lives with one another, there’s bound to be some friction. When the friction turns into a more deep-seated problem—"we never make time for each other”; “I feel like I don’t have a voice in our relationship”; “all we do is argue about wedding planning”—that’s when it’s time to address it more seriously. 

And if you aren’t ready to talk with your significant other about it, that’s okay. Oftentimes we need to grapple with the weight of the situation ourselves, first.

2.) Lean on your community. 

Now let’s focus on finding support. This is exactly what my friend did that day in her basement—she took the next step in reaching out. Find someone (or a few) you trust to confide in for support, advice, or accountability. This might be a family member, close friend from your parish, colleague, etc.

And here, I must note: if the problems in your relationship are of a dangerous nature, it is crucial to confide in someone who can help you get out of the situation safely and as quickly as possible. 

It’s also important to be proactive and build a community throughout your relationship or marriage that enables every person the ability to turn to others for support. This is where my friend’s question to me about my own marriage was so crucial. After she posed that question, she stated that in all of her close friendships, no one ever talks about the health of their romantic relationship.

Why is that?

Relationships are meant not just for the couple, but for the Church and greater society. We need the accountability and support from others just as much as we should offer it to others. Don’t be afraid to ask your best friend how their marriage, engagement, or dating relationship is going, and be prepared for an honest answer!

3.) Work on yourself.

How easily we find ourselves pointing a finger at our significant other. Thinking that their actions—or lack thereof—are the sole cause of the problem is a fallacy. It takes two to tango, and the chances are that you have some role—whether active or reactive—in perpetuating the problem.

Take a minute to look at your own behaviors around your significant other, and determine whether you can make some changes to help improve the situation. You might want to look into counseling to help work through your own part of the relationship for a while, then decide if and when there’s a need to bring your significant other into that setting. 

A few months ago, I realized that my husband and I had stopped talking. Sure we talked about the housework, the kids, the news, etc, but we hadn’t had a heart-to-heart conversation in a long time. When I recognized the problem, I easily saw all the things he was doing to perpetuate it.

But as I took more time to reflect, I looked at my own behaviors. I saw how stressed I seemed the minute he walked in the door every evening, and the way I would hand a baby off to him and usher everyone to a different part of the house while I made dinner in peace, without so much as an affectionate word or action to him. What a welcome home! I resolved to change the way I greeted him home every evening, and within a week, our relationship had found better footing again. 

4.) Turn (back) to prayer. 

Jesus reminds us that “without me, you can do nothing.”  Remember that God wants to be in the center of every aspect of your life, and particularly in this relationship. Start—or continue—talking to God about the problems, and expect that He will give you guidance and peace.

When another friend of mine was first dating her now-husband, she experienced many fears. As hearts were shared more deeply with each other, there were things revealed that she wasn't sure she could handle about her boyfriend. She committed to praying the rosary daily for their relationship and in doing so, found great peace and assurance to fight past the fears.

Overall, don’t lose hope! Relationships won’t ever be perfect this side of Heaven. When there are more troubled times, taking these steps will help you find your way to a better peace.