Why Your Apology Language Matters Too
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Knowing how to apologize is crucial in knowing how to love.
Typically there is a lot of attention in knowing your Love Language (which you can find out here if you haven’t already—be prepared, it will shed some serious light whether you are in a relationship or not!).
However, I would like to specifically emphasize how important knowing what your Apology Language is, not only for your personal awareness of how you receive apologies, but also for how you can best apologize to others.
"Acknowledging our errors and being willing to restore what has been removed—respect, sincerity, love" is a key part of forgiveness, says Pope Francis. And we are all worthy!
Specifically, the Apology Language quiz reveals how you best accept an apology from others. So that’s the goal, answering the question: which one(s) speak to you the most? The one (or two) languages that you read and think to yourself, “that is what a sincere apology looks like, that is what I would want to hear,” is the language you fall with.
(Some bonus: the language you see as most sincere can also indicate how you can best apologize to others, since what you see as most sincere, can be the best way to say you’re sorry to others.)
Here’s where you can fall:
1. Accept responsibility.
It can be really hard for people to admit they are wrong, to say that they failed at something. But especially as adults, we have to learn how to best accept responsibility for our mistakes and wrongdoings. For plenty of people, all they want to hear are the words, “I was wrong.”
If the apology doesn’t include this admittance of fault, you feel the apology isn’t sincere, and doesn’t mean enough for you. If this is your apology language, then the other person needs admit they made a mistake for it to be a full apology for you. You think being sincere in apologizing includes admitting fault, and this small phrase makes a world of difference for you.
2. Express regret.
One of the more powerful languages, expressing regret gets straight to the point, and straight to the emotional hurt. It is primarily the admission of guilt for causing pain to the other person. Those who identify with this language aren’t interested in any excuses or explanations of what happened, they just want to hear, “I’m sorry.”
If this is your apology language, all you look for is the other person to say that they are sorry. Any more explanation for why they made the mistake, or any shared blame on someone or something else, isn’t needed. You also believe that sincerity will come from their body language as well—like consistent eye contact and a gentle tone.
3. Make restitution.
This is where knowing the other’s love language really pays off! In a situation where you have been hurt, it is absolutely paramount the other person makes the proper mends to the relationship. In order for the apology to be sincere, the person giving the apology needs to put effort into making amends.
If this is your apology language, then your love language—whether that is words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch or receiving gifts—should be used by the other in expressing their apology to you. From getting a bouquet of flowers to setting aside special one-on-one time, an apology plus a way to make the situation better is what needs to happen in order for you to view the apology as sincere.
4. Genuinely repent.
For some people, repentance is crucial when apologizing. If there is any doubt that the other person doesn’t want to change their ways to avoid the same hurt in the future, it can affect how sincere you view the apology to be. Inclusion, especially, of how things will change so it doesn’t happen again in the future, is really important to you.
Typically, the “making sure it won’t happen again” part is also accompanied with a plan of action. If this is your apology language, it’s important for you to hear how the other person is going to avoid this situation in the future within their apology.
5. Request forgiveness.
Extending beyond the phrase “I’m sorry,” is one that can be an important pairing to many people: “will you forgive me?” It can be important to know that the other person recognizes the need for forgiveness and asks for it specifically. Requesting forgiveness shows that they are willing to give you the choice of forgiving them for any wrong doing, which can require a lot of vulnerability.
If this is your apology language, it’s important to you to be asked if you will forgive the other person during the apology, as the most sincere way to ask for your forgiveness is by sincerely asking for it.
Knowing how you give and receive apologies can help you become better at apologizing. And becoming better at apologizing can help you become better at loving.
So like the Holy Father said earlier, let’s get better at restoring what has been removed—for others and ourselves. Let us love better and deeper, let us extend sincerity and respect to those around us and let us do that all together.
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