Seven Questions to Ask Before Getting Serious

58

I'm a list person. I love reading lists. I make lists, check things off tidily, and I feel like I’m accomplishing something.

Recently, I came across this list of questions and figured I'd give it a try over dinner with the boyfriend. Even though it’s from a secular viewpoint, I can tell that more and more people are frustrated with dating. You get burned once, you’ll always be skittish.

But what I see most in today's relationships is a lack of honesty, truthfulness, and open communication. We all have our own mental (or written) checklists of deal breakers. Why don’t we just ask the important questions? Don't scare off your new boyfriend with these, but before you get too serious—try having this conversation:

1. “How much debt do you have?”

An actual number is a good thing to know, but learning someone’s money personality is even more important. We all approach finances in different ways, even among siblings raised by the same parents (I’m a saver and my sister’s a spender). Often, people have very different approaches to their finances.

What are your expectations? Do you want to own or rent a house? Would you rather take a vacation or save money for a new car? Are you able to live on one income? Dealing with finances can take its toll on a relationship, so it’s good to discuss these things early on.

2. “Do you have children from a previous relationship?”

Children shouldn’t be a deal breaker. However, you should know what sort of baggage you’re getting along with your new relationship.

Do you like the children and approve of how they’re raised? You may become their sole guardian one day. Dealing with ex-spouses and former in-laws can be tricky for anyone, so know what you’re getting into and how well you think you can deal with it.

3. “Do you have an STD?”

A pre-existing health condition might not be something you want to ask on a first date, but these issues merit some serious communication. You may meet someone who is now the model of Catholic purity, but asking about someone’s past is critical when it may affect your future health.

4. “Do you have a problem with drugs or alcohol?”

I would also add, "Do you have a problem with porn?"

Addictions can be overcome, but we are under no obligation to save everyone. A savior complex is not a good reason to enter into a relationship. Remember that you’re contemplating marrying this person, raising children with them, exposing them to your family. If you see a red flag, walk away.

5. “Do you like my mother?”

Your husband doesn’t have to be besties with your mom. Just remember, that while you’re not literally marrying the family—you kind of are.

We all come into relationships with a lot of preconceived notions that we’ve grown up with. If you’re dating and already having problems with each others’ families, you may want to figure out why. Grandparents often bear the brunt of babysitting and holidays will come around, whether we like to acknowledge it or not. We should also be open to opinions of our new relationship from those we love. Often, we are so blinded by the rush of first dates, that we miss pretty obvious warning signals.

6. “Will you stand up to your mother?”

While we’re making an effort to hit it off with our prospective in-laws, it’s important to ask, “Who is the priority?”

This doesn’t mean that our spouse is always right and her mother is always wrong. It should show that the marriage bond is the more important one. It can be difficult to adjust to your newly-created family and step away from your parents, but it’s important to your new husband or wife to show that you will stand up for them.

You may want to continue your shared family traditions or make your own new ones, but you should always strive to present a united force.

7. “Will you let me be a stay-at-home mom?”

This might not be feasible—or even desirable—for some couples. But it will bring up some interesting ideas about the future and our expectations (trust me!).

Most frequently, this becomes a financial issue. Are you able to survive on one income? More importantly, are you willing to give it a try? Maybe your new boyfriend works from home—are you comfortable having him stay home with any prospective children while you’re at the office?

This conversation can also bring up conflicts over schooling that you may want to hypothetically resolve sooner rather than later. I was homeschooled and my mom stayed home, but my boyfriend went to public school and his mom worked. Are we going to be able to find a compromise?

This is by no means an exhaustive list of questions we should be asking.

It can be used as a start to get expectations on the table before our sneaky hormones and emotions cloud our reason. We each have to come up with our own deal breakers that aren’t unreasonable but are based on what we can live with and what we can’t.

Because we’re all brought up differently, we bring different viewpoints to every relationship. The way we were raised will affect how we treat others and how we expect to be treated in return. It’s important to see how our shared values line up to see how compatible we truly are.

Have a date coming up? Think she might be the one? Want to start the conversation going? Print out this list—and good luck!

Find Your Forever.

CatholicMatch is the largest and most trusted
Catholic dating site in the world.

Get Started for Free!CatholicMatch
— This article has been read 15556 times —