If No One Is Perfect, What Does Good Enough Look Like?

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So what are you looking for in a spouse?

Everyone longs to find the perfect guy or gal. Someone who seems exclusively tailored just for them. Someone who sees and loves them just for who they are. But too often, it’s that word, “perfect,” that derails the search.

You will know when you find “the one.” But, you won’t love them because they are perfect. You will love them because they are “good enough.”

I thought being perfect would make people love me.

Growing up in an emotionally abusive and neglectful home, my early childhood needs often went unmet. I was considered selfish if I needed attention of any kind, ever. Instead, all of the energy in the family revolved around trying to please my narcissistic, alcoholic father.

As a young child, I thought maybe if I could be “perfect” my parents would take more interest in me. I tried my best not to upset anyone. I was overly kind and considerate to others. Because the goal posts didn’t move around at school like they did at home, it was easy for me to please my teachers and earn good grades. Perfection eluded me, but to many outsiders, I was a “good kid.” Yet, in my family, I could never be good enough to win my parents’ elusive love and attention.

Over the years, as I learned and gained more perspective on my toxic upbringing, I eventually came to accept that I could never attain “good enough” status with my family. Not only was my perfectionism and people-pleasing never enough to fill the void, it made me a target for other abusers.

My young adult years were filled with the same kinds of boyfriends, bosses, and friends who reinforced the same wounding message: I am not enough. I will never be enough, no matter how much I do. I was exhausted. It seemed the more I fought against the message—striving and achieving, struggling to prove it wrong—the stronger the grip had on me.

Do you struggle with not feeling good enough?

This false message of not being good enough is all too common for many, especially those who had less than stellar upbringings. It robs millions from true intimacy. Some wear a mask where they feel they have to perform in order to win the love of others. Others slink away and hide, rejecting potential connection before they can be rejected

Many who struggle with adequacy issues are leery of others. In relationships, they tend to fall into extreme, “all or nothing” thinking. For example, “He said he’d call me at 9:00 and it’s 9:30. He must not really love me. I better end it now.”

For those who often feel like they are not enough, the first step in healing is to accept that “perfect” is impossible. It’s impossible for ourselves and anyone else. Likewise, this all-or-nothing thinking needs to come back to the center. Most healthy people live in a spectrum of reasonable, “good enough” qualities. It is nearly impossible to find anyone who will always make the right choices and will never let you down.

Look for this in a date.

With a combination of good boundaries that do not excuse abusive and manipulative behavior, and reasonable expectations that do not require the perfection of others, we can find those who are “good enough” for us. A “good enough” friend may not be available on a moment’s notice to talk, but when he is available, he’s an excellent listener. A “good enough” boss might not notice when you are overwhelmed by a project, but helps you problem solve a solution when you bring it to her attention.

A “good enough” date might not have every box ticked when it comes to compatibility, but is kindhearted and open to self-improvement. “Good Enough” people are flexible and open. They seek to understand. Most of the time, they reflect the qualities of love, peace, joy, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, patience, kindness, and self-control. And when they don’t measure up to the Fruits of the Spirit, “Good Enough” people don’t berate themselves or others with their faults. They correct themselves and try again.

“Good Enough” is not choosing to settle for bad behavior.  There are some red flags and non-negotiables in relationships, especially when dealing with self-absorbed or controlling people. “Good Enough” is choosing to see yourself and others as human. It is choosing to weigh strengths and weaknesses from a balanced perspective.

“Good Enough” is emotional temperance. It is an awareness of shortcomings and being brave enough to allow love to enter, anyway.

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