One of my favorite characters in the Wizard of Oz movie is the cowardly lion.
Every time I watch the movie, I think to myself, "I was totally like the lion when I was single." I feared putting myself into social situations and meeting new people. All I could imagine was rejection, pain, and failure.
To be clear, I lacked social courage. The thought of being rejected or overlooked was more than I could handle. I had no clue how to begin a conversation with someone I barely knew, much less keep it rolling. I worried about saying the wrong thing or offending. And, I was totally inept at focusing on the other person and forgetting about myself.
What was my solution to being socially awkward? Be a coward. Don't date or socialize. Be passive and submissive. Bury myself in work and pray like crazy that God would drop someone into my sheltered and protected life who would cherish me.
Praise God that my roommates challenged me on my lack of social courage.
In particular, one of them called me out for retreating to my personal fortress instead of going out. She pointed out that a fortress is a safe place that people go to when they want to escape reality. She called me a coward and chided me for always playing it safe.
Her comments felt like a gut punch. Why was I so afraid to meet others? Why was I such a coward? What habits did I need to break in order to risk socialization?
My roommate was someone whom I highly respected. She was wise, logical and filled with charity. If anyone else had challenged me about my lack of bravery, I would have been devastated for a least a month. But, because the truth came from her, I reluctantly decided to address my problem.
It took several days of reflection with prayer to identify why I was so skittish about being social. I had to dig into the past and face my fears and failures.
Then, I had to figure out how to move forward. Here's what I came up with.
First, I had to practice being social. I had to put time and effort into encountering people in all walks of life: at work; in the neighborhood; and eventually at parties. Over the coming weeks and months, I developed the ability to smile and look people in the eye, to ask questions in a friendly manner and then to listen intently without interrupting or formulating a response.
It was also important for me to learn how to appropriately and honestly share my thoughts and feelings and always allow 'the other' to do the same. It helped me to think of each encounter as an exchange rather than a competition or a game of one-upsmanship.
I had to accept that I would make mistakes when socializing and not let my failures cripple my efforts. I had to accept that some people would walk away. People would roll their eyes. People would be rude. I had to learn to be okay with rejection, admit when I was wrong, and refuse to let failure chase me back into the safety of personal isolation.
Most importantly, I had to find value in every relationship; even those that ended poorly or didn't develop as I had hoped.
I had to stop telling myself that socialization was overrated or unnecessary or thinking that I was better off alone. I also had to admit that God would help me when I helped myself. He was not going to do all the heavy social lifting for me. It took courage and time to extinguish the negative thoughts that threatened my progress.
Just as the cowardly lion eventually found his courage, so did I. It took commitment and perseverance to become socially comfortable. But, in the end it was so worth it because within a year, I met many new friends who eventually introduced me to my spouse.
So, dear cowardly lions, how about taking a chance this month? Put yourself out there with a suggested match. Cast aside first impressions and do your best to develop a friendship with them—even if it doesn't develop into a lifetime of love. Be courageous enough to date and date often. Something tells me that your courage will pay off.
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