What Do You Mean You Want to Meet Someone?

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A tale of two friend groups.

I live in a college community in the heartland of the U.S. It is quite common to see students from the university everywhere: in the stores, restaurants, gas stations... Thus, I expect to encounter the millennial generation anytime I leave the house.

Recently, a friend and I went out for lunch and to no one's surprise, the restaurant that we chose was occupied by college students. It was all but impossible NOT to hear the conversations happening around us because the tables were tightly positioned and the acoustics amplified the discussions happening nearby.

To the right, three women shared their dating woes. They were convinced that the men on campus were unqualified to date. And to the left, there were a few guys also swapping their dating stories. Guess what? They had also determined that the campus was void of date-worthy women.

The longer they talked, the louder they became. The women's discussion centered on their dress, hair, and mannerisms, while the men talked about their opening lines, having a wing man, and how to cut a woman from the herd. Both groups lamented that the dating behaviors on campus were not to their liking.

It was so tempting to introduce these two groups to each other and see what might happen.

Would they enter into a meaty discussion about dating in college or acquiesce to a Midwestern "play it nice and safe" sensibility? My hunch was that neither group would be able to drill down on the topic because a shared understanding of what it means "to meet someone" was missing.

Let's get to my take of the chatter that flanked me that day. Both conversations were superficial: what to look like, what to say, how to present oneself attractively. Nothing in either conversation targeted the question that was the elephant in the room (or should I say, at the table). What do you mean when you say you want to meet someone?

  • Do you mean that you want to meet someone and have a social engagement that includes romance?
  • Do you just want to have fun with another person who shares a similar interest?
  • Do you want to find someone who will cure loneliness?
  • Are you seeking someone who will spend time with you and possibly be your spouse?

Doesn't it make sense that if you really want to meet someone you would explore your motivation? Isn't there something to gain by identifying the purposes that drive you to look for someone?

As I listened to these young people converse, another thought crossed my mind.

Did any of them realize that the first step in meeting someone is to learn about...them? Had they ever learned that the most basic element of meeting someone is to discover something about them?

I truly wondered if any of them understood that meaningful relationships are not based on what you want or expect but that they are built upon a person's capacity to will the good of the other. The better you are at seeking the best for the other—presenting the good to them through your actions—the better your chances are at meeting someone and entering into a joyful adventure with them.

What's the moral of this post? If you really want to meet someone, start by seeking what is best for those around you. Focus on the good you can bring to each conversation and each situation. Pay less attention to the superficial world of appearance and catchy conversational phrases. Develop your ability to will the good of the other.

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