A Guide to Managing Your Expectations on Valentine’s Day 

It all started on my Valentine's Day in 7th grade. 

Somehow, the hype of Valentine’s Day in middle school became too much for my young heart. When the student council sold lip-shaped suckers, purchased in advance and delivered on Valentine’s Day, I seized the opportunity to show appreciation for all my gal friends. In my immature way, I thought that if I sent many suckers, I would receive many in return. But, as I watched my friends receive their suckers that day, I soon discovered that no one had sent me any. I felt crushed.

Valentine’s Day from that year forward always felt marked with a sense of doom. The fear that my expectations wouldn't live up to reality, the efforts of love shared and not received, and the over-materialization of the day snowballed me into a state of dread.

Therein lies the problem: Expectations. Whether you’re single or in a committed relationship, Valentine's Day makes it easy to fall into the trap of having expectations that are too high and bound to lead to disappointment.

If you’re a hopeless romantic, you might view the day as a way to show love to all those in your life—and risk your efforts going unnoticed, under-appreciated, or misinterpreted. If you’re in a new relationship, you might find yourself unsure of how to approach the day with your significant other. What if you go overboard in your expression of fondness for this person and scare them off? What happens when you’re expecting roses, candies, and a romantic dinner, and your date shows up in a sweatshirt holding a greasy box of pizza? 

The key is managing your expectations from the start. 

We often fall prey to viewing the relationships in our lives as transactional. You get out what you put into something. If you go the extra mile for someone, you anticipate a reciprocity down the road. And when that doesn’t happen, your hopes become crushed, and relationships—whether romantic or filial—are tarnished. 

Does the problem lie with the people in your life? Is their lack of response to your charity a reflection of their true feelings towards you? Or maybe you're just poor at choosing friends and significant others? Most likely, these are not the case.

Through much prayer and growth, I have come to realize that my disappointment with people often comes from my own unrealistic expectations. Putting too much emphasis on my hopes for others will likely lead to disappointment. Why is this so? 

Consider that we are broken human beings with a longing for the true Love that only God can give. When we seek out our fulfillment in other human beings alone, without accepting the true source of Love and fulfillment in God first, we will always be disappointed. 

Your relationship with God should take 100% of your effort. 

Before exerting so much effort investing in earthly relationships, we first must fill ourselves with the love of our Creator. St. Augustine so pointedly reminds us that “our hearts are restless, oh God, until they rest in you.” 

When God is our number one priority, our expectations are better tempered and ordered. This does not mean we are to become hermits; most of us are called to live in the world. But our efforts of loving others are better ordered when we fill ourselves with the love of God first. 

If you haven't already, build a life of daily prayer. Steep yourself in His word by reading the daily scriptures, praying the Divine Office, or pausing to reflect with a daily devotional. Let yourself be loved by He who is Love. Know that your fulfillment comes from God, and God alone.

Even in a romantic relationship—and yes, even in Holy Matrimony—nothing can take the place of your relationship with God. 

From there, find a few people whom you can share your heart with.

Our need for human connection and assurance is a good, holy desire—it is not good for man to be alone. Find friends whom you will be challenged by and with whom you can share your heart. Meet with them regularly, whether in a small group setting, regular coffee/wine date, or video chat. The consistency of a few good friends to share your struggles and joys with will work wonders in the way you view the world around you. 

Only then can you approach all relationships in your life with a more balanced, realistic perspective. And Valentine’s Day won’t seem like an occasion of fear, dread, or disappointment; like it did for me for so many years.

Love isn’t something that forces or manipulates. Love doesn't quantify into material goods or transactions. Love is something that gives and receives with open hands. 

Some practical tips for approaching this Valentine’s Day:

1. Give without expectation. If you want to show your love in material ways to those in your life, do so without a hope for reciprocity. As Christians, God calls us to give without counting the cost. Let your charity and love be of a singular heart and mind. 

2. State your hopes. Especially if you are in a romantic relationship, consider talking with your significant other about how you want to approach Valentine’s Day. A healthy relationship stands on trust and communication, and your significant other will feel grateful that you’re both on the same page with celebrating your love. For more tips on how this looks practically, see this post. 

3. Remember that it’s just a season. Although the buildup to a holiday may seem to drag on forever, like anything, this too shall pass. If your heart just can’t handle the hype this year, occupy yourself with something else that is more life-giving. Plan a fun night with friends, spend the day on a retreat, etc. And this year, Valentine’s Day happens to fall on Ash Wednesday! Perhaps God wants you to view this day as a true rending of your heart back to Him as we enter into the Lenten season.