3 Questions to Ask Before You Keep Dating
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Nobody deserves to be strung along.
But even I've been there.
I know what it's like when a guy shows up enough to keep your interest but not enough to assure you of his. These are the people whose involvement with you is inconsistent, who squeeze you in instead of making you a priority, whose intentions are always unclear (and many of whom "have no idea what you're talking about" when you suggest that their actions don't express as much interest in you as their words do).
I get that some men and women need more time than others to decide how they feel or what to do.
And I certainly don't mean to imply that men or women must decide immediately whether to marry somebody. I am not without sympathy for how hard this is. Dating can be confusing. Making decisions can be difficult. But no amount of confusion and indecision makes it OK to string somebody else along.
Lately, I wonder whether we can prevent this—whether we all could handle other people's time and hearts more respectfully and responsibly. And I think we can, by asking ourselves three important questions before we agree to go on another date with someone.
1. "So far, how often do this person's needs or feelings occur to me when I make decisions?"
If we are ready for a relationship and truly invested in one, a significant other's needs and feelings will matter to us. So, do this person's feelings matter to you?
Do his preferences occur to you when you pick the restaurant? Are you interested in planning dates you know she'll enjoy (instead of just taking her along when you go where you'd already planned to go)? Did you care how he or she would feel when you decided not to call even though you said you would?
If not, fine. In fact, when you aren't in a committed relationship, one could argue that you don't really owe each other the call, or the time, or the effort. But what you do owe others is the honesty about how invested you are (or aren't), and to leave a guy or girl alone if you don't want to invest and he or she does.
2. "Do I even want a relationship that looks like what this person wants a relationship to look like?"
To continue dating somebody, we ought both to be seeking the same kind of relationship. So, are you?
Does this person want to date exclusively while you're only open to casual dates with multiple people? Does this person want to commit to you but you'd rather not commit to anyone right now? Does this person want to save sex for marriage while you're not really interested in that?
Nobody says you have to want what other people want. But you're both bound for undue stress, frustration, and irritation if you keep going on dates but don't have a common goal.
Why wait another day to face it? Instead of going out again, recognize when you know you don't want what he or she wants—and free him or her to find somebody else who does.
3. "Am I actually who this person is looking for?"
There's no reason to keep dating somebody if you aren't the kind of person that person is looking for. Well, are you?
Do you truly fit the bill, or are you hoping this person disregards some of his or her preferences or values and dates you anyway? You don't have to be who this person has sought. But it would be manipulative not to admit that you aren't, and disrespectful to date him or her anyway.
It might be time to move on.
What do we do if we suspect a love interest hasn't answered these questions honestly?
Or what if a love interest's actions don't align with his or her words but we really, really wish they would? Maybe she doesn't consider your feelings. Maybe he doesn't seem to want your relationship to look how you want it to look. Maybe she isn't exactly who you're looking for. "But he (or she) is Catholic" is what some of us say to justify dating him or her anyway.
But a person's faith in Christ doesn't negate his or her unreadiness for a relationship.
A person's love for Jesus is great, but faith doesn't make up for a lack of commitment to you. Love for Jesus is a necessary trait in a significant other if you're serious about having a holy marriage, but it alone won't suffice.
And as hard as it can be to let go of a man or woman who has a lot of what you've sought, it gets easier when you also ask those three important questions—and when you own this important truth: If you want a relationship to work, a significant other who has love for Jesus needs to have love for you, too.
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