Yes, You Really Do Need That Annulment

I wish you and I could have this conversation in person.

I would take you to one of my favorite local coffee shops. The air smells like fresh baked goods and the lavender latte has a cozy taste to it.

But since it is unlikely our paths will cross in real time, I will share with you in a letter what I wish I could say in person over warm mugs of something tasty.

Dear friend,

First of all, I want to you to know regardless of the situation after your divorce (civilly remarried, dating, or annulled) I am not here to judge or shame you. I know the pain and trauma you have gone through in navigating the messy waters of a divorce.

I have had to go through that as well. I believe this experience we both have known is one of the most awful things a person can go through.

I also went through the annulment process. While that deep work brings up painful and messy things, I am so grateful I began the process shortly after my divorce. It was healing and transformative and helped me keep doing the work on my healing journey.

Now I am aware many of you be in a different situation than myself. Some of you may have an annulment, and some of you may be in the process of working on your own.

I know there may be some of you who don’t really think you need an annulment.

And it is to those of you who find yourselves in this situation (not desiring an annulment) that I wish to speak from my heart today.

I don’t know your personal story or what finds you where you are today. And I do not know the reasons you don’t think you need, or wish to pursue, an annulment.

But from my own experience of receiving one and being a trained lay person to help other people with theirs, I hope you might reconsider.

The annulment process can facilitate deeper healing.

We all know from personal experience that divorce is messy, traumatic and painful. It is a life experience that needs to be processed and worked through; it is something you need to heal from.

I have found even though I was already going to counseling, going through the annulment process was one more avenue in which I could experience deeper healing from the pain of my divorce. It helped me name and acknowledge what I did wrong, and the unhealthy patterns I dragged into marriage. It helped me take responsibility for my part in the relationship.

Working on my answers to the questions led me to also pray and discuss them with Jesus in personal prayer or Adoration.

I mean honestly who doesn’t want deeper healing from their divorce? Even if you are not interested in an annulment because you don’t want to date or re-marry, still pursue the process, because I do believe it can help you heal even more.

But, is there a chance you may want to remarry?

The Catholic Church assumes that a marriage is valid until proven otherwise. An annulment case is a thorough, serious investigation to discover if perhaps (for any number of reasons based on Canon Law) the marriage was actually null from the beginning.

The Church does not have this teaching to be mean, stingy, or un-pastoral. The Church's teaching on marriage exists because it so highly honors the sacrament of marriage as well as the two individuals that present themselves for marriage.

If in the future you see yourself thinking about dating or remarriage at some point, it is to your benefit to begin working on your annulment sooner rather than later.

The annulment process exists out of Jesus’ mercy.

When I was working on my annulment, it was in 2016 (which ironically enough was also the Year of Mercy in the Church). That alone set the tone for a spiritual journey the Lord took me on in my own healing after my divorce.

Sometime during the year, a priest in Confession confirmed an idea I had rolling around in my head on this topic. He told me, “You know this process the Church gives us is a good thing. The annulment process exists out of the mercy of the merciful heart of Jesus Christ.”

I found that to be such a comfort, and perhaps that might be a comfort to you as well. The annulment process the Church gives us is not out of harshness, but it exists to help men and women out of Jesus’ mercy.

Sometimes after a divorce it can feel overwhelming to even consider or begin looking at the questions for an annulment. Maybe you never wanted the divorce. Or perhaps you don’t feel it's fair of the Church to ask such a rigorous task of you.

Regardless of your concerns, take time to reflect on your reasons.

Be open. Listen for the voice of the Spirit in your life. Look for God’s presence in your daily life.

Sometimes it is the difficult tasks of life that can usher in deeper wholeness, healing, and freedom.

I believe if you truly open yourself up to the deep work that an annulment calls for, you can experience that deeper freedom.