Do You Trust Me?
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For some reason, people perceive women to be more trustworthy than men.
A quick Google search of 'who is more trustworthy—man or woman' will lead you to numerous articles and studies that confirm this perception.
I know this was my viewpoint when dating years ago.
But, what I found out was that becoming trustworthy is an issue for both of the sexes.
The issue of trustworthiness came up early in our relationship. We had settled into seeing each other nearly every day and grown comfortable with sharing most of our downtime. Having a boyfriend around was an expectation for me and it seemed to be the same for him.
One day, friends called and asked my boyfriend if he wanted to spend the next day fishing with them. He quickly accepted the invitation without asking me how I felt about it.
To be fair, we were only months into our relationship. Still, I was offended that he didn't ask me if we had plans or what I thought. It didn't take him long to recognize that something was up and that my demeanor had changed after he put the phone down.
What? Don't you trust me? he asked. I looked him square in the eye and said, Can I trust you?
Let's just say, we didn't talk much more after that exchange. He went home and I sat and stewed.
The day he went fishing was very emotional for me as I let my imagination run wild. It was the first time since we had met that he chose to do something without me or without my nod of approval. What was he doing?
Was he happier to be with the guys rather than me? Were they carousing at one of the several bars on the lake? Were his buddies trying to convince him to spend less time with me and more time with them? I went from one rabbit hole to the next until I was deeply depressed and truly pitiful.
The day after his excursion, he came over to see me. I refused to let him know how thrilled I was to see him. Rather, I did my very best to be aloof and distant. I wanted him to feel some of the emotional pain that he had inflicted on me. Let's just say, this was not the right course of action. Within 30 minutes, he looked at me and once again asked, don't you trust me? And I repeated my question, can I trust you?
Defiantly, he took the offense and said, YES, you can trust me. He then recounted the entire day of fishing: buying the bait, driving to the lake, launching the boat, searching for the right location to sit in silence, jigging for walleyes, some conversation about meeting me, feeling the boat sway in the gentle waves, catching a few keepers, leaving the lake, driving home.
And then, he calmly asked me an unexpected question.
Can I trust you? He wanted to know if he could trust me to handle myself emotionally in his absence.
He was calling me out in charity. He wanted to know if I was in possession of my emotions or if they were in possession of me. He was analyzing my ability to become as strong and honest in the relationship as he intended to be.
Assessing trust in the early stages of dating is vital to the success of every relationship because trust is the foundation from which all of your expectations will grow. It is the bedrock of your intimacy, your faithfulness and your forgiveness. With trust, you proceed and flourish. Without trust, you falter and agonize.
Trustworthiness for both the man and woman is the ability to be honest, have integrity and be reliable. It allows the other to be confident that you will do what you say you will do. It gives you permission to be vulnerable. It prevents fear or manipulation from taking root. Trustworthiness squelches the temptation to become a conspiracy theorist or overly dramatic.
The conversation that we had over four decades ago set our relationship on the right trajectory. It helped both of us realize that a weakness in either of our individual trustworthiness would tank our unity and oneness.
Here are a few suggestions on how to assess your trustworthiness.
- Ask a co-worker to tell you what they think about your honesty and your reliability.
- Ask a friend to tell you what they think about your ability to admit mistakes and forgive.
- Ask a family member to tell you what they think about your ability to face and solve conflicts.
- In prayer, ask God to show you where you are weakest in trusting others.
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