Building a Better Relationship With Your (Future) In-Laws
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During my engagement to my now-husband, the priest helping us prepare for marriage gave us some interesting advice:
"The extent of involvement your parents and future in-laws have in your wedding preparations, will often mirror the amount of involvement they expect to have in your marriage.” For better or for worse, this axiom seemed to ring true in many marriages the priest prepared, and he wanted us to be wary of our family connections and the role they might play in our marriage.
If we didn’t want my parents’ unsolicited advice on every aspect of our lives together, we should probably curb their micromanagement of our wedding day. And if we wanted my husband’s parents somewhat in the picture of our happily ever after, we needed to loop them in to our whirlwind engagement and the unfolding plans that lay ahead.
It's safe to say that the priest's prediction seemed to play out in our marriage as well, and over 6 years later, we are still figuring out how to navigate our relationships with one-another's families.
Whether you’re currently preparing to marry your beloved, or are several years into marriage, there’s no denying that it can be tricky to navigate the role of the “in-laws,” while still giving priority to your autonomy as a couple. Though you can choose your spouse, you can’t choose your in-laws, and this might mean that you have to work a little harder at establishing your relationship with them.
For a better chance at a drama-free relationship with your in-laws, consider these tips:
1.) Establish boundaries and clarify expectations
Sitting down with your spouse or fiancé to clarify the extent of involvement you both want your families to have in your relationship, is step one. The two of you need to try and be on the same page before other people insert their own opinions in the mix. Everything from how often you’ll expect to see your in-laws, to whose side you’ll spend with on which holidays, needs to be brought to the table.
Once the two of you hash the details out, talk to your families of origin about your desires. Be sure to be charitable in your discussion but also firm on what you’ve decided. When you approach these discussions openly and in advance, it helps open the channels of communication, while also exercising your autonomy and maturity as a couple.
2.) Learn their “language”, be intentional
If you’re engaged or married, you’ve likely heard of the 5 Love Languages. This essential insight into better communication and cohesion with your sweetheart can also come in handy with learning to better love your in-laws. When I finally made the connection that my in-law’s love languages were completely different than that of my own parents’, I was able to view my relationship with them in a much better light.
They weren’t purposely trying to give me the cold shoulder when they didn’t sit around and chat with me... “quality time” just wasn’t their thing (they’re farmers, so they’re very busy people). Instead, when I began to recognize the efforts they made to grow our relationship through their own love languages (gift-giving, for instance), it helped the walls drop. Additionally, on your part, take note of their interests and pastimes, and be intentional with how you frame conversations, gifts, and initiatives around those.
3.) Spend time without your spouse
One of the best opportunities given to my husband in growing his relationship with my parents was when we lived with them for a year—married and with two children at the time. Before then, Aaron hardly spent any time around my parents without me there. My dad and Aaron soon discovered a shared appreciation for indoor golfing and Marvel movies, and he and my mom had several life-chats while doing the dishes together.
When I was out of the picture, neither party had me to lean on, and they eventually fought through the awkwardness to find their own rhythm. Don’t worry…. you don’t have to move in with your in-laws to make this happen! Brainstorm ways on finding one-on-one time with your in-laws, be open and courageous in the time you’re given, and you’ll soon find a deeper relationship forming.
4.) Pray, and give it time
In the early years, I spent a good part of my marriage simply praying for my husband’s family. Living eight hours apart, we only saw them twice a year at the most. I remember leaving the visits feeling like I would always be an outsider. I finally decided that the best I could give them was to take time daily in prayer for them and for our relationship. After a few years of doing this, I can honestly say that prayer has deepened my affection for them. It has also given me the grace of patience, realizing that family relationships are best run as marathons, and not sprints.
It's worth saying again—you can (and should!) choose your spouse, but you can’t choose your in-laws. For better or for worse, they will always be part of your life. Pray, give it time, and trust that God is blessing your efforts.
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