Are Engagement Rings a Status Symbol?
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I had the pleasure of attending my great uncle and aunt’s fiftieth wedding anniversary this past fall.
It was a wonderful celebration, complete with Uncle Donny’s and Aunt Valerie’s display of heirlooms: quilts, pictures, tools, wedding dress, etc. They performed a few songs for their guests, and told their story of how they met and came to marry.
Valerie’s friend Sister Mary Joseph introduced her to math student Donny at a restaurant nearby her nursing college. Donny and Valerie became study buddies, then friends, and then, surprise surprise, more than friends. Donny recalled how he won Valerie’s heart with his music, and played for us on that same 1967 guitar.
Their relationship grew as they weathered storms including a Vietnam draft scare, Donny’s higher education, and long distance dating (without cell phones: they wrote letters daily!) In 1969, Donny called Valerie up on the phone and informed her that they were going to get married that summer (yes, “informed”).
Being a practical farmer’s son and a teacher, he asked her point-blank what she would like for an engagement present.
Some girls might have been disappointed he didn’t arrive with ring in hand and down on one knee. Most girls would probably have asked to go shopping for a diamond or the then-popular emerald together.
But Valerie? She instead asked for a sewing machine. Specifically, the most deluxe Singer sewing machine available at the time. It cost Donny most of his summer teaching bonus, and he says they’ve never made such a large purchase in cash since.
They had that same sewing machine on display at their golden anniversary party. With it, Valerie had created her wedding dress, her bridesmaid dresses, and over the next couple decades, clothes for their three children.
Not your typical proposal story, is it? Watching these two joyfully recounting their love story got me thinking about how their unique start might have influenced their marriage.
Let’s look at a different story for a moment and see how they compare.
My husband grew up in Kentucky, on the edge of the Bible Belt. At one point he and his best friend were trying to figure out what the big deal was with diamond engagement rings. Being college boys, they decided to conduct a bit of a social experiment to find out. They asked a bunch of their female acquaintances and friends this specific question: if your boyfriend proposed to you with a deed to a house instead of a diamond ring, what would you do?
The answers they got were a bit disheartening. Across the board, the girls in question couldn’t seem to reconcile with the idea.
“But he’s supposed to get me a ring!”
“I’d rather have a ring, that’s what I want!”
When asked why, some replied he wouldn’t really love her unless he got a ring. A few even detailed how big the diamond had to be. Needless to say, this seems to be a common theme in the world of proposals.
Ever notice how people slip into this mentality of treating engagement rings like trophies? It’s as if they start to think of relationships as a ladder of success. If dating is better than single, and engaged is better than dating, then engagement rings really would symbolize a sort of “prize.”
This competition mindset can focus on any number of aspects.
- Who got the ring first.
- Who has the biggest diamond.
- Whose ring looks the most traditional.
I should probably mention here I am not anti-engagement ring, by the way. My husband proposed with a ring, after all. Do I love the ring my husband picked out? Absolutely. Would I have accepted his proposal or married him without it? Absolutely. (I would also have accepted a puppy as an engagement present, but that’s beside the point.
Engagement rings themselves aren’t the problem.
The problem is treating a simple material item as a trophy. Thinking this way devalues the other person into the next rung up on the relationship status ladder. Clearly this mindset totally misses the point of engagements.
That’s one of the things I loved about attending Donny and Val’s golden wedding anniversary. Not only were they a living example of lifelong fidelity and joy, but their own proposal story illustrated exactly how they viewed engagements. They didn’t see each other as a way to “level up” or as a finish line in the race for a spouse. They saw and treated each other as unique individuals, and treated their relationship in that same vein.
The sewing machine Valerie asked for was expensive, yes—but her reasons for it could not have been more pure. She asked from her beloved a tool she could use to offer countless blessings back to him in return. She asked for something to aid her in building and serving their marriage. (Same with Uncle Donny—did I mention he built an oak kitchen table for Valerie during their engagement?)
This is the mentality that led them to a joyful fiftieth wedding anniversary.
They’ve seen all along that material goods are just ways to give to each other and support their calling.
So whether it’s an engagement ring, sewing machine, deed to a house, kitchen table, or anything else: we should all remember to treat engagement things as just that. Things. It’s WHY we choose them and HOW we use them that matters.
Even if the material thing is a ring symbolizing a journey to marriage, it is still in itself . . . just a thing.
In this world of dating and seeking out marriage vocations, it’s easy to slip into the trophy mentality about engagements. Instead, remember how each and every love story is unique, just as each and every person is unique.
Blessed are the poor in spirit, right? This means blessed are they who are not attached to material items. Even material items that are wonderful expressions of love.
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