When to Talk About Exclusivity in a Relationship

The exclusivity question.

Singles all over the world would rejoice if someone would finally create a grid that outlines the appropriate timeline for a couple to begin dating exclusively as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Herein lies the problem...there isn’t one.

People often ask, “When should we have the conversation...after 3 dates? 4 dates? 5 dates? 3 months? 4 months?” It is the ever-pressing question of whether to go by amount of dates or amount of time, and how many dates or how much time. There is no equation, and this timeline looks different for every person and every relationship.

Allow me to offer some advice for this kind of situation.

The first thing is to recognize that unless you have had this conversation regarding exclusivity in dating, you should assume the other person is still going on dates with other people.

They may not be, but in order to gain clarity in your own heart and mind about where you want your relationship to go, imagine that they are. This will give you insight on whether or not you want to make things exclusive with the person you have been seeing or going on dates with.

If you found out that he or she is going out on dates with other people, consider how that makes you feel. Maybe you’re still going out on dates with other people, so you don’t mind it at all.

On the other hand, perhaps it really bothers to you think that this person you have been on a few dates with is still sitting across dinner tables laughing and flirting with a date that is not you. If the thought of this person dating other people is bothersome to you, or you know that you yourself are simply desiring and ready to take the next step in the relationship, it’s time to bring it up.

How do I bring it up if I want to?

How is that conversation supposed to go? There may not be an equation for the when, but there is a solution for the how…straightforwardness. My husband and I had this conversation early on (probably a month) into our long distance relationship, and it went something like this:

Daniel: I wanted to clear things up and let you know that I am not seeing or talking to any other women but you at this point. Do you mind if I ask if you are?

Me: Nope. I am not talking to or seeing any other guys—I’d like to be exclusive if you would like to be, too.

People overcomplicate this step far, far too often. It was a simple, one-minute conversation that brought clarity, direction, and a sigh of relief for us both. There was no longer any wondering for either of us—there was the open knowledge that we were both on the same page and both desiring to move forward with our relationship.

It had nothing to do with analyzing the amount of dates or amount of time; it had everything to do with the readiness of both parties and someone’s willingness to be straightforward and to bring it up.

This leads to the next question…

Should it be the guy or the girl who brings this up?

If you have been on multiple dates with a guy and you want to bring something up about the direction both of you see things going, bring it up. Initiate the conversation if you want to have the conversation!

There will never be anything wrong with asking where someone stands in a dating relationship that is being cultivated if you are wanting to know where they stand.

Too many women I know spend hours of time wondering, supposing, or making assumptions about where a guy stands, when they would save themselves loads of time by simply asking him what he thinks or where he sees things going.

Again, the key is straightforwardness. The world of dating will be much less mysterious if everyone is more straightforward in simply speaking up or bringing things up with courage and clarity. And this does not always have to be the man.

Ultimately, don't be afraid of broaching this question of exclusivity. If you're dating someone who you can really see yourself with, this conversation will likely happen easily and naturally.