Don't Let Your Unique Personality Keep Holding You Back

Do you think you might have a difficult personality for a romantic relationship?

Reading up on the temperaments the other day, I came across this encouraging statement regarding the Melancholic-Choleric blend:

“They tend to have difficulty in relationships because they are rigid and maintain high standards.”

Which, of course, raises the question: what is someone like that to do? What happens when you realize that the already difficult task of forming and maintaining a romantic relationship with another person is likely to be even more difficult in your case, due to some quirk of your personality?

I don’t necessarily mean flaws or something that could be overcome with work. I mean what might be termed an “odd humor”.

Everyone may be unique, but you are more unique than most.

Perhaps you have what is termed an "artistic temperament", or you’re something of a genius wrapped up in your own subject, or you’re just kind of strange and see the world differently from most people. But, these are things you wouldn’t change even if you thought you could, because to do so would be to become less than you are.

As the irascible, arrogant, yet lovable Professor Challenger expressed it to his wife: “I should be a better man if I did what you advise, but I shouldn't be quite George Edward Challenger. There are plenty of better men, my dear, but only one G.E.C.”

So what do we do if we realize that any relationship with us is likely to be particularly difficult, simply because we are who we are?

The first step is in accepting that it is going to be difficult.

This is not something that is going to go away, or that is a matter of simply building confidence in yourself (though more on that in a bit). Your personality will make your dating and married life harder for you than it would be for someone else. Such things are a part of life and it is better to face and acknowledge difficulties than to try to evade them. Be aware of your oddities, recognize how they affect your interactions with people, and as far as is possible or prudent, try to account for them.

This means acting according to what you know about yourself, not according to how ‘normal’ people act. That may mean abstaining from certain pleasures or avoiding certain situations. You don’t engage someone in conversation because you know how hard it will be not to call him an idiot. You don’t stay long at family gatherings because your temper shrinks as your boredom rises. It is no different from abstaining from alcohol because you struggle with temperance. What you cannot cure you must mitigate.

More specifically, when you come to form a relationship, find ways to compensate for your oddities so as to make them less irksome, or at least to give the other person sufficient reason to put up with it. If you must give the whole of your attention to your work most of the time, make sure that she gets it the rest of the time. If the ‘normal’ pattern of a relationship is not open to you, then you must work extra hard at the one you have. In short, you should go beyond what you think is necessary to convince her of how much you value her.

As part of this, work to maintain stability.

Having an odd temper means you may have an odd profession. If so, you must find a way to ensure she feels secure that her home is not going to be destroyed by your oddities. She can put up with a lot as long as you don’t threaten that. In particular, do not make any major financial decisions without her (this is true for all marriages, but especially ones involving difficult tempers). 

All that being said, don’t just accept your difficulties, but embrace them. Own your oddities rather than trying to conceal them. For those with odd tempers or habits, the instinct is generally to try to downplay or conceal them as much as possible; to put on a show of being like other people. This, generally, is not very helpful. In the first place, it cultivates a restrained, tense disposition as you end up constantly watching yourself and withholding your own contributions for fear of giving offense.

Moreover, as far as dating is concerned, the other person will have to come to terms with your oddness sooner or later, and there is certainly a case to be made that it is better (both practically and as a matter of courtesy) that she knows upfront what she’s in for, rather than being blindsided by it weeks later when you let your guard down.

A man’s eccentricities tend to offend less if he does not apologize for them, and far less if he can laugh at them.

(Of course, there is a limit to this; the laws of courtesy, not to mention morality, do not cease to apply to you because you are possessed of odd humor).

Finally, remember that trends are not destiny.

Yes, you have particular difficulties. People like you "tend" to have trouble with relationships. That does not mean that you are doomed to a miserable or half-hearted relationship, much less to a life of loneliness. Your life is not dictated by statistics.

As a matter of fact, to end on a silver lining, you odd people may be in a better position than most, in a way. The number of romantic partners who would be interested in you is much lower, which means that once someone gets past the initial hurdle of starting a relationship with you, knowing what you are, it is more likely that they are someone you could profitably marry. The initial barrier to entry is higher, but for that reason the chances of success, once it is cleared, are also higher.