How To Identify A Toxic Relationship

I grew up in a toxic home.  Not wanting to let it define me, I spent many years attempting to push it away and rise above.  Not only was I exhausted from overcompensating, I found remnants of my past creeping in to virtually every type of relationship, causing all kinds of confusion and distress. A couple years ago, I started a deeper journey to uncover the ways narcissistic and emotional abuse shaped my perceptions as a wife, mom, coworker, friend, and child of God.

Grieving my past has not been exactly pleasant, but owning this broken part of me has allowed me to step into a deeper understanding of who I am, how I am infinitely loved, and how my voice can help others in similar situations.

For Catholics in search of a partner for sacramental marriage, identifying toxic behavior is extremely important. Many toxic people are pathologically incapable of giving themselves in the way a sacramental marriage requires. No matter how much work is put into the relationship, it will never feel free, equal, or bear the life-giving essence of Christ.

In the world of dating, how do we know when we should bear one another’s burdens, and when we should we shake the dust off our feet? When someone lets us down in a relationship, how do we know if it’s a one-time mistake, or indicative of a toxic pattern?

The list

Many of the following toxic behaviors point to warning signs of personality disorders, including the “dark triad” of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy.  While not all toxic people have full-blown disorders, if you are in a relationship where any of these behaviors are present, it’s important to take it seriously.  Prolonged exposure to toxic behaviors can erode self-esteem and lead to anxiety, depression, and in some cases, PTSD. Learn more about personality disorders and seek professional counseling right away.  For many, ending the relationship and going no contact is the best solution.

1. Their words don't match their actions.

Perhaps they are charming and say all the right things. Perhaps they are popular or considered upstanding members of their church or community. Outwardly, they appear to know the difference between right and wrong, good and evil. And yet, when the rubber meets the road, they seem to always do the opposite of what they say.

Perhaps they talk about how important it is to give, but they don’t actually tithe or volunteer. Perhaps they say they respect life, but blow up at the wiggly little “monsters” sitting behind them. In short, they are hypocrites on a regular basis.  While we all fall short from time to time, toxic people habitually say one thing and do another.

2. It’s never their fault.

Simple apologies just don’t happen. Whenever you confront them about their behavior, you are given excuses in return. “I wouldn’t yell at you if you didn’t make me so angry.” “I wouldn’t have cut off that driver if he wasn’t going so slow.” A toxic person will twist things around so that they are never at fault. Almost always, someone or something else is to blame for their actions or behavior.  Note “never” and “always.” Toxic people will take any infraction to an extreme place. Many will go to extreme lengths to avoid taking responsibility.

If they do apologize, it’s weak and insincere. It can be common for a toxic person to want everyone else around them to go to confession, yet they don’t feel the need to go themselves. If you are walking on eggshells anticipating an extreme defensive reaction to a minor confrontation, it’s time to move on.

3. They don’t respect your physical or emotional boundaries.

It could be as simple as not respecting your request to call before they come over, or it could be as blatant as throwing themselves at you when you say you want to take things slow.  Maybe they continue to call you a pet name they know you hate, or they are more overt with name-calling and put-downs.

Bottom line, you don’t feel safe or secure around them. You feel undervalued and disrespected.  They make you feel like your needs don’t matter. They make you feel like you are acting crazy, needy, or selfish when you ask for common courtesies. People often find themselves in the position of having to explain basic human needs and emotions to a toxic person.

4. They believe they are superior to others.

Whether they believe themselves to be smarter, prettier, more capable, or more spiritually mature than anyone else, the message is clear: they rule, and others drool. Toxic people will criticize and belittle others in order to make themselves look better or more important.

This prideful behavior could be in the form of having to always one-up a friend or family member, or it could be in the form of criticizing any person or group who doesn’t look, act, or pray they way they do.  Attacking “the other” almost always stems from poor self-esteem. People who choose to tear others down to feel better about themselves are not only toxic, but also spiritually far removed from the will of their Creator.

5. Pleasing them becomes more important than pleasing God.

Because toxic people can become volatile or withholding when they are not pleased, toxic relationships often morph into a scenario where one person does everything they can to keep the toxic person happy. Eventually, their identity becomes all about pleasing the toxic person while their sense of self, and who they are in Christ erodes into nothing. People often spend more time worrying about what a toxic person thinks of them more than they worry about what God thinks.

Some toxic people demand the kind of reverence and attention from their partners that should only be given to God. They see themselves as almighty and infallible, and expect others to treat them accordingly. Some see God as competition and may try to break up any relationship you have with Him. Sometimes, the disparaging voice of a toxic person will drown out God’s gentle, quiet whisper in one’s head. If anyone gets between you and your relationship with God, it’s time to take stock.

While most relationships don’t go toxic overnight, many of the early warning sings are evident from the start. Bottom line, if you feel anything other than loved, appreciated, respected, valued, and cherished in the way that God intends for you, don’t expect the relationship to change for the better down the road.