Help. I’m Dating a Toxic Narcissist

“Live your life as if only your feelings count!” advises satirist Ben Stein, former White House speechwriter, in How to Ruin Your Love Life:

Now I don’t for a moment mean to say that your lover doesn’t have any feelings. That would be totally incorrect and an insult to the whole idea of humanity. All human beings have feelings…The only thing is that those feelings don’t really count for much in the grand scheme of things…In fact, each feeling you have counts for about 1,000 times as much as each feeling your lover has.

Now, it could be that by some strange cosmic coincidence every guy or girl you have ever met is a self-obsessed loser. Or, it could be the one common denominator in all of these relationships: YOU!

This thought does not occur to the narcissist.

When things go wrong, the narcissist blames everyone else. He or she doesn’t stop to think: What part have I played in this fiasco? Perhaps I should have been more understanding. Am I sincere with God and with others?

The narcissist follows a unique script in which he is the perfect protagonist who can do no wrong. Your purpose in life is to serve him. He is condescending, arrogant, and uses others to achieve his own ends. His relationships never work out, because he undermines them all. And it is never, ever his fault.

The narcissist avoids any real introspection, because deep down, she fears that she is worthless. Instead, she covers this feeling of shame or worthlessness with a grandiose self-image, a false self that she projects onto reality. At all times, she must feed this grandiose self-image, so she spends a lot of time talking about herself, putting other people down, and constantly seeking admiration and flattery.

As a result, there is little time or energy available to actually listen to somebody else. A narcissist rarely expresses any true interest in, or sensitivity toward, anyone other than himself. A narcissist lacks empathy.

Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

If you have ever been in a relationship where your feelings don’t count; where you always feel just slightly off-kilter; where you feel belittled or continually disparaged; where you never know when the next outburst of anger or rage will come, and you are kept continually on edge; where you are expected to reassure or flatter him or her; and where your own feelings seem never to count…then you might be in a relationship with a narcissist.

If you are caught in a narcissist’s web, you feel as though you have been sucked into a black hole or an alternate universe. At first, the narcissist is rather charming. However, his charm eventually wears thin. You begin to doubt your own abilities and qualities, because the narcissist convinces you (when you are in his world) that you are nothing compared to him. You fear his anger if you do not continually feed his need for admiration and praise. Though reality may not match up to the grandiose image of the narcissist, he confidently assures you of his own eminence and authority while keeping you in a state of subjugation. You may begin to doubt your own sanity.

Yet, though there are surprisingly few true narcissists, there are many who have a narcissistic “style.” In our society, we value self-confidence and assertiveness. Yet, when self-confidence becomes arrogant or exploitative, we have a problem.

“All people have personality styles, but when their ‘personality’ prevents them from maintaining employment and/or long-term relationships their style of relating becomes a disorder.” says Dr.

Lisa Klewicki, a Catholic psychologist in private practice in Northern Virginia.

Dr. Klewicki tells us that she is seeing more and more narcissism in her practice. “With an ‘instant anything’ society in which one's own needs can be immediately met in some way or another, usually at the detriment of someone else, people begin to believe that their needs are more important than anyone else. Thus, narcissism is on the rise, especially in places where people tend to feel more entitled to having everything their own way at all cost.”

Charity Does Not Mean Being a Doormat

I once worked for a narcissist. It was not evident from casual acquaintance that she was a narcissist. It was not until I worked directly for her, reporting to her alone, that I discovered she was one of the rare (but apparently increasing) breed of humans around whom the universe uniquely revolves.

The first sign that something was awry, were oddities about the office. My boss was a packrat, with stacks and stacks of disorganized, definitively outdated files that were nonetheless precious. They could neither be thrown away nor re-organized. We had to work with piles on our desks, stacks on the floor, and boxes in the closet. Yet they were as valuable as the Holy Grail. Her computer files were in equal disarray, yet she feared deleting any. My boss’s confident predictions of future success seemed incongruous given the chaos of her office. She was a penny-pincher and insisted on outdated, cheap methods of operating, even when this would guarantee less than desirable results.

Then she would fly into a rage.

Another odd feature about this narcissist was that, with nearly unfailing predictability, when it was just about time for me to leave, she would give me an urgent project that needed to be accomplished immediately. It necessitated staying late. At first (when one has a new job), one tries to be flexible; one doesn’t wish to appear to be an unprofessional “clock-puncher.” But soon it became a pattern. Even when I pointed out the urgency to leave on time, the same scenario was repeated.

Most disturbingly, she presented two faces: one to the public, and one which she revealed only one-on-one. She had temper tantrums when things didn’t go her way, and she spoke condescendingly, always verging on annoyance or anger when we were speaking privately. Secretaries, customer service people, receptionists, and even relatives were often called “idiots” by this narcissist. It reminded me of the angry kid who kicks the dog.

My boss would describe in great detail how her ex-husband had an anger problem…yet she failed to perceive her own insensitive, condescending, and manipulative behavior.

When her whole world was falling apart, she never considered her own behavior, but continued to blame everyone else.

At times, any one of us can show instances of narcissism: arrogance, expecting special treatment, having grandiose thoughts of success or achievement, seeking praise and admiration, becoming envious of others’ success. Because of Original Sin, we can be at times self-absorbed and insensitive. We can be selfish and difficult to live with. Furthermore, we all have to learn how to deal with people who are difficult. Gospel charity demands that we even love our enemies—and that includes our cranky great aunt, my obnoxious boss, or a cantankerous neighbor.

But charity does not mean being a doormat. How do we know when it is time to end a relationship, or that someone might need professional help? When is someone not merely difficult, but actually disordered? When does someone cross the boundary of normality and enter the land of pathology?

How Can You Tell that Someone Is a Narcissist?

A narcissist really does not care about you.

They can feign interest for a while, if necessary. But you would soon see the glazed look in their eye, as they shifted the conversation back to themselves. Once you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it will be all about the narcissist. In fact, a narcissist may be incapable of true intimacy.

For an individual to be diagnosed as having a narcissistic personality disorder, he or she would show a pervasive and inflexible pattern (affecting all his or her thoughts and behaviors, not merely the occasional) of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.

Even when not taking the extreme form of a personality disorder, narcissistic tendencies can adversely affect our most important relationships. Healthy relationships require generosity in self-giving and the capacity to be sensitive to each other’s needs. “One of the major causes of excessive anger in marriages is the result of narcissistic conflicts in a spouse. These individuals regularly overreact in anger when they cannot have their way or when their partner does not give in to their extreme selfishness,” writes Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons of the Institute for Marital Healing.

Self-confidence and assertiveness are not bad; in fact, it would be unhealthy for a person to be incapable of self-regard, lack all self-confidence, or have zero self-esteem. However, a healthy individual also has the capacity to accept criticism, does not feel contempt for those less gifted than he, and is sensitive and empathic toward others.

As Christians, we hope to always grow closer to the Lord, practicing the virtue of charity as Christ commanded us, “Love one another as I love you” (John 15:12). Loving God means loving our neighbor, respecting the dignity and worth of each human person, and realizing that, to be a true follower of Christ, we must seek not to be served, but to serve. “Whoever wishes to be great among you will be your servant…For the son of Man did not come to be served but to serve” (Mark 10: 43-44).

What are the other signs of an unhealthy relationship? Dr. Gregory and Lisa Popcak talk about warning signs to look for in dating.