5 Things Single Men Need to Stop Believing

"Dating is harder for men!"

Every so often a man, frustrated with online dating, will insist dating is harder for men than women. They point to the simple truth that men get fewer matches than women. This leads to frustration that is easily detected by potential dates, which leads to rejection, which leads to more frustration.

Clearly, this attitude is toxic.

So, what can you do?

A woman might get more matches than a man, but more matches doesn’t mean a relationship will happen. In the end, the ratio of women to men who get married because of CatholicMatch is 1:1. More options doesn’t mean more success.

If you can’t shake this mindset, spend some time in IRL (in real life) singles groups or young adult groups. You’ll notice that the opposite is usually true. There are more women than men at most IRL social gatherings.

"I have low sexual market value..."

If you are online, you’ve probably come across the term “sexual market value.” It’s a term that compares the dating world to the market where people try to get the most profit for the least expense. In the dating world, this means people trade their value. A beautiful woman trades her beauty for a man’s money.

Trying to assess your own “sexual market value” is a bad idea. First of all, because this is not real. (I cannot overemphasize how few people actually think like this.) Second, because you are objectifying yourself which is not fair to you.

You should treat yourself better.

The remedy to this mindset is to spend less time online and less time with people who are online frequently. This attitude can really only be developed in an atmosphere like the internet where people are treated like numbers.

"I deserve a relationship!"

This attitude is a subtle one. So beneath the surface, you might not even be aware that you have it.

The entitlement attitude (I deserve a relationship) is both toxic and untrue. Really, we don’t deserve anything we have. Everything is a gift from God. Yet, the feeling of entitlement can sneak into our souls if we’re not careful.

Entitlement will lead to frustration. If you think you are entitled to a woman’s affection, you’ll become more frustrated when they reject you.

Since it’s sneaky, it can be hard to detect. If you’re entitled in one area (your dating life) it’s likely you feel entitled in other areas, too. How patient are you in line for the grocery store? In traffic? On hold on the phone? If you have trouble staying patient in these situations, it’s likely you struggle with entitlement.

The only way to get rid of this is through prayer. God’s grace will help you get rid of entitlement if you let Him. When you feel impatient in those situations, do some small act of penance (the Sign of the Cross, Hail Mary, etc.) and pray for strength.

"I’ll take anyone..."

This mindset tends to come after you’ve spent a lot of time looking with little success. It’s a simple mindset and obvious why it’s so tempting. If you’re honest with yourself, though, you won’t take just anyone. You want someone who is right for you, so don’t waste your time.

On top of that, desperation is noticeable. Women can pick up on it easily. If you’re talking to someone and not trying to get to know them, just trying to date her immediately, she’ll be able to tell you don’t care about her personally. She’s just another girl.

If you feel this in yourself, it’s time to take a break from dating. Focus on your group of friends and your prayer life. Then, when you’re back on your feet in a few months, start up again.

Don’t waste time being desperate.

"I just need to learn how to pick up women."

There are plenty of people out there who are more than willing to profit off of your desire for a relationship. They promise you that you are only one book or video or online course away from learning that one BIG secret to wooing women.

The mindset that you need to learn how to “pick up women” is toxic because what you’re learning to do is manipulate. You don’t want a relationship based on manipulation. It might be fine in the short-term, but it will hurt you in the long-term.

What’s worse is, online pick-up artists are usually giving you bad advice. Some might be good at ”getting women,” but the successful ones are really good at getting your money. They’ll trick you into paying for ridiculous advice like “Go up to a girl and insult her, then she’ll want to date you.”

The remedy to this is to take a break from social media for a time. Even if you unfollow the accounts, Twitter, YouTube, Reddit, etc. will still show you their content. The algorithm knows what makes you click. You are not stronger than it, so don’t give it the chance to work on you.

Getting rid of these attitudes takes time and community. Make sure you have a group of solid guy friends around you. If you have one of these attitudes, talk about it and ask them to hold you accountable. Your dating life will be better in the long run.