Should You Change for Your Date?

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A few years ago, I remember talking with my grandmother about marriage. I was engaged and she, having been married for over fifty years and still counting, is a wealth of wisdom. One thing she said really resonated. “Paige,” she told me, “people don’t change.”

Was it true? Do people not really ever change?

I sort of couldn’t believe it. When I first met my now-husband, I remember putting my best foot forward on our early dates—fixing my hair, picking out a cute outfit, putting on a happy face. And then, because he was into brewing beer and skiing (things I was only remotely interested in), I tried to learn more about those things—helped him with brewing and bought skis so we could go together. Surely, this was changing for him?

He also tried to change for me, I recognized then and now. He bought new clothes (that fit! without holes!) because I raised an eyebrow or two and started wearing deodorant regularly. He agreed to learn how to pray the rosary when I proposed it and watched The Office with me even though it was “too cringey” for him (sorry, honey, we still disagree on this one).

We changed our habits, our clothes, and hobbies in order to accommodate the other. But, now, I can see how we didn’t really change at our core, fundamentally. Just more, superficially.

You can, and sometimes should, purposely change your habits and tendencies for a partner.

When it comes to those superficial things, I’m a big advocate for changing for your partner. You supposedly like this person and want the relationship to work: so put in a little effort.

Try their hobby, their favorite restaurant, their preferred Mass time. A little sacrifice or discomfort on your part shows you’re willing to make an effort for the relationship to work (and who knows, you might like this new hobby or habit!).

Sometimes too, a new relationship can help instill better habits in us, like getting up earlier for a Saturday exercise class they love, starting to pray more regularly, or giving up some vice like binge-watching tv, smoking, or emotional eating. A new partner can help you see it’s time to change.

But you shouldn’t have to make any big, core, fundamental changes, especially for a new relationship.

Your new date should be getting the real you. Not some contrived, forced version of what you think someone wants. Just you.

If you aren’t naturally funny or a joker, don’t pretend to be to try and woo your date. She’s going to notice it’s an act. Or if you’re usually bold and passionate, don’t act meek because you think that’s the type of wife he’s looking for one day. Instead, think about your best qualities and show those off. You have something attractive and desirable to offer: put those things on display!

And really, even if you tried to be someone you’re not, eventually, they’re going to get the real you. Sooner or later, who you really are, with all your virtues and vices, is going to reveal himself and what will your girlfriend think then? Give him or her the real deal from the start. They deserve to know what they’re signing up for and you deserve to be freely yourself in an authentic relationship.

So, what did my grandmother really mean when she said “People don’t change”?

So, I’ve been married for those few years now and the longer I’m with my husband, the more I’m finally starting to understand what she meant. People don’t fundamentally change. I’m still my very choleric self, I still love books and eating out, and I still mostly confess the same five sins and probably will until I die.

At the same time, I’m a much different person than I was when I got married, when we were dating, and certainly than I was before that. I am (I hope) more empathetic and compassionate, less controlling, and have learned to let go of all of the people and drama and crap that doesn’t add any value to my life.

Did these changes happen for my husband? Well, no. But they probably wouldn’t have happened without him.

Being married to him, having children, changing jobs, watching our marriage grow and morph and expand—these things, that only would have happened with him, these are things that have changed me. I’ve been changed by him and for the better. His good qualities have rubbed off on me and hopefully vice versa! It’s one of the most beautiful aspects of living in real relationship: it does change you.

In the end, you most likely won’t (and shouldn’t) change for your partner. But just wait and see if it changes you anyways—because that’s what real relationships do.

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