When Do You Ask Someone To Change?

I think it is safe to say that all of us need to change in some way or another.

The less you think you need to change, the more you probably do. The best people have the clearest idea of their own faults and imperfections; the worst tend to think very highly of themselves.

Of course, in one sense there really is no question of whether someone will change or not: to be alive and in time at all is to be changing one way or another (so, even in the unlikely event your significant other is perfect, she probably won't stay so for very long). On the other hand, we all have a distinct ‘shape’ or type of personality which is difficult if not impossible to fundamentally alter.

The real question, therefore, is not whether you will change but what you will change.

And, when it comes to relationships, how much one person can reasonably ask the other to change.

In the first place, let’s be clear that you do have the right to ask your significant other to ‘change’ in some way.

When you enter a relationship with someone, your life is no longer quite your own, and thus what you do affects the other person and hence they are well within their right to ask you to be a certain way.

That is, to an extent. It must be remembered that intentional change is difficult and stressful, and so basic charity requires that it should only be demanded in important cases. If you find one of your girlfriend’s habits to be mildly annoying, or if she occasionally does something embarrassing or silly, then you should really let it go at a comment or two and not insist that she alter it. If you try to get her to correct every minor fault or quirk as it arises, she’ll feel badgered and stressed, and what is worse, she won’t be as inclined to listen if you ask her to change something serious.

Just as human laws do not, as a matter of practicality, cover the whole moral law, so you should not try to ‘fix’ every flaw in the other person. Everyone has flaws, and some flaws you simply have to learn to live with because the cost of removing them isn’t worth the pain and effort.

But on the other hand, the really serious flaws should also not be attempted.

If your boyfriend has serious emotional problems, or is overtly cruel or dishonest, it is not your duty to try to ‘fix’ him, nor are you likely to succeed if you tried. If the other person has serious, dangerous flaws, then that means you ought to leave the relationship as soon as possible.

By the same token, though you do have the right to ask your significant other to change, you do not have the right to try to mold him into the kind of person you actually want to be with, as if he were a piece of clay.

If you’re dating a blue-collar man who likes sports, beer, and camping, don’t expect to turn him into a bookworm with a taste for classical music, especially not on the grounds that you would be ‘improving’ him.

Again, we all have a particular ‘shape’ to our personality; this was formed by God and is not yours to alter. It will be much easier and much pleasanter for all concerned if you would just go out and find the man you actually want to be with rather than trying to turn someone else into him.

So, in summary, you have the right to ask someone to change, but you ought not to either try to change the little, unimportant habits nor the fundamental elements of her personality.

So when do you ask someone to change?

Quite simply, when the change is truly important to the wellbeing of the other person or the relationship or (as is most often the case) both. This is, if he could develop a habit that would make your life easier, or if she could drop a habit that is causing real problems.

Thus, for instance, if you go in to work early, you might ask your husband to get in the habit of waking up with you, even if he’s naturally a night owl, so that you can have some time together in the morning and you can let him know what needs to be done during the day. Or if you wife spends hours a day arguing on social media, leaving her stressed and irritable, you might ask her to find a healthier pastime.

The point is, that asking someone to change ought to be a matter of strengthening the relationship: not trying to mold the other person to your liking, but identifying and addressing the danger points. It’s a matter of letting your partner know when something needs fixing on their end, since when you are sharing a life, it is up to both of you to try to make it a good one.