How to Do a Boundary Check Up on Your Relationship

Let's talk about boundaries!

“Good fences make good neighbors.” - Dr. Henry Cloud

What are relationship boundaries anyway?

In the book, Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud talks about what a boundary is and how important it is to set boundaries for yourself. A boundary is simply a declaration of ownership over something. A fence marks a property line. Our boundaries mark what belongs to us and not others.

There are a six specific areas where we need healthy boundaries: our thoughts, feelings, actions, bodies, time, and space. These things are properly ours and no one else’s. We can’t let other people claim ownership over these and we can’t claim ownership over someone else’s.

For some people, “boundary” is a swear word, especially for Christians. It can feel selfish to set a boundary and say “This belongs to me, not to you.” But it isn’t selfish, in fact quite the opposite is true.

Why are boundaries important?

In order to give something, you need to possess it first. Establishing healthy boundaries allows you to mark what is yours and no one else’s. When the time comes for you to give of yourself, like in a relationship, you will be able to.

Having good, well-defined boundaries means you can give more freely. If you have bad boundaries, you’re used to giving haphazardly. With good boundaries, you give more intentionally.

It’s good to check-in with your significant other every once in a while to see how you are doing with your boundaries. To do this, you can use the Boundary Check-In.

The Boundary Check-In

What is a boundary check-in?

A boundary check-in is a simple activity to see what your boundaries are and how well you as a couple are doing respecting your boundaries. It is a series of questions you ask yourself or each other. It should be a short conversation for each question, not a long, drawn-out process. It should be open and accepting, not accusatory or confrontational.

How do I do a boundary check-in?

You should do a boundary check-in as a couple.

1. Read the question.
2. Write down your answer. (5 min.)
3. Trade written answers and read them twice.
4. Talk about your answers. (5 min.)

The whole process should take about 1 hour.

If you feel like the answers will be too hard to discuss or you just want some time to think through them, you can do it by yourself.

1. Read the question.
2. Write down your answer (5 min.)
3. Repeat for all six questions.
4. Set aside for a few hours.
5. Come back to reread them.

To get the most out of the boundary check-in, you should show your answers to your significant other and discuss them.

Boundary Questions

Each question is about a different area where boundaries are important to have. To clarify what each question means, I added some clarifications underneath.

1. Do I own my thoughts?

Sometimes in relationships, we adopt the thought patterns of the other person. Sometimes we expect the other person to adopt our thought patterns. Do you and your partner listen to each other when you disagree? Do either of you hold back your thoughts and opinions out of fear?

2. Do I own my feelings?

A common phrase is “You made me feel X.” Feelings are not the result of someone’s will acting on us. They are a reaction within us. We own our feelings. It is tempting in a relationship to blame negative feelings on the other person or, on the other hand, rely on the other person to “make” us feel positive feelings. Neither of these habits help us own our feelings.

3. Do I own my actions?

Similar to feelings, a common phrase is “You made me do X.” Outside of extreme circumstances, other people cannot “make” us do something. We own our actions. Sometimes we blame our partners for being a bad influence. On the other hand, sometimes we give other people credit for our good deeds. “I’m only good when I’m around her.”

4. Do I own my body?

This is an important one. Every act of physical affection or act of service needs to be a gift. In order to give something, you have to own it. You need to feel like your body is yours, not something your partner can use on a whim.

5. Do I own my time?

Similar with your body, your relationship cannot demand all of your time. Some seasons in your relationship will require more time than others, but it dominating your life is not sustainable.

6. Do I own my space?

Each person needs spaces that are their own. This goes beyond just physical spaces like your bedroom or house, but also emotional spaces like private conversations with friends.

Remember: Boundaries are not selfish. Fences don’t exist just to keep people out. They also exist to let people in. When you own your boundaries more, you will be able to give of yourself more intentionally to your significant other.