How Playing the Field Might Help Your Dating Life

Since you’re reading this on CatholicMatch, I can assume you want to date. (I know, I’m psychic!) What is less obvious is how you want to date.

You’ve heard the phrase “playing the field,” which means casually dating multiple people at the same time. On the other end of the spectrum is something I like to call “first-date commitment,” which is dating only one person at a time. These are the two most common methods of dating. To help you figure out which method works best for you, I’ve compiled a list of pros and cons of each one.

Pros and cons of playing the field

Pros: The first bonus of dating this way is obvious; you get to know lots of different people! A second plus is that playing the field lightens the pressure to “get it right” on the first date. When you ask that question “Is this the one?” on every date, it turns up the pressure. But, if you have a broad pool of immediate options, it's easy to stop asking that question. It’s no big deal if you go through a bad first or second date—since you’re seeing multiple people, a date is just a date, and there probably is someone else already on your radar.

The third pro of playing the field is that it’s easier to learn what you want and don’t want in a person. Again, meeting lots of people will expose you to many, many different personalities and lifestyles. This lets you quickly learn what you truly are looking for, what is a deal breaker, and whether those little quirks will actually bother you in the long run.

Cons: The downside of dating around is that your attention is spread out over many people. This can make it difficult to focus on each person as an individual. It can be tempting to see people as a set of checkboxes, as if you’re at a grocery store looking for a very specific list of ingredients. This can make dating seem like a chore, and burnout becomes a real fear. More seriously, playing the field can plant a feeling that there’s someone “better” out there, even if you're dating Prince Charming himself. This feeling, left unchecked, can leave you in the casual dating scene indefinitely.

Pros and cons of first-date commitment

Pros: The first pro of dating one person at a time is that you can reflect on that person without other dates to distract you.  The second pro of first-date commitment is that you are at much less risk of dating burnout. Since you’re casually dating just one person, you are more likely to maintain the proper mentality of that person as a whole being, not just a combination of traits. 

Thirdly, this method is often is more functional for people who have a lot of other commitments and busy schedules—e.g., demanding jobs, volunteering, higher education, chronic illnesses, family, etc. 

Cons: The biggest danger of first-date commitment is that you can get way too serious way too fast. It’s a bad idea to practice commitment before natural trust is even established! This method can seriously pressure you to “make it work,” even if the relationship is unhealthy. It’s easy to forget that you can and often should end the relationship and move on. Another thing is that you actively shut out other options, which will take a lot more time for you to recognize and “weed through” ill-fitting relationships.

So how should you date, then?

The answer is yours to decide. Knowing your strengths and flaws and understanding your own personality will help you decide how you want to date. For instance, if you’re nineteen and just entering the dating scene, playing the field might be a good way for you to learn about yourself and what you’re looking for. If you’re in your forties and have spent a good decade in the dating world, you’re probably fine to just date one prospect at a time.

If possible, I would encourage you to try out both options. Also, talk to your dates about it—often, they have really good thoughts to share. Just remember, they don’t owe you an explanation of how they are dating, and you need to respect their opinion even if you don’t agree. (You don’t have to keep dating them, though.)

Another thing you might notice is your method of dating might depend on your circumstances. Your situation might dictate that only one person at a time is interested in you or you are in them, as my dating life was. Or, you might be interested in several people, but because of their lives you only end up dating one at a time. Life changes, people change, and how you date may change with it. And that's okay.